


280 Days

by RinAngel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Gender Dysphoria, Gratuitous Jungwoo Adoration, Happy Ending, I made Winwin an asshole and I'm sorry, M/M, Moon Taeil-centric, Mpreg, Post-Break Up, Sappy, Soft Kim Jungwoo (NCT), Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28566594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel
Summary: "Am I going to get an explanation?"“Um— how about this? You’ll get an explanation if the pregnancy test comes back positive. If it doesn’t, then we never talk about this again.”(In which Taeil finds himself broke, depressed, pregnant, and utterly infatuated with the best surrogate father of all time.)
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Moon Taeil, Kim Jungwoo/Moon Taeil
Comments: 33
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MVforVictory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MVforVictory/gifts).



> HAHAHA WHY YES IT IS ME, back with yet ANOTHER Wooil! Universe is still ongoing ofc, I will most certainly have the next update ready before the end of January... but what better way to procrastinate than with pregnant Taeil, seriously.
> 
> Please throw me a kudos and comment if you enjoy! This is my favorite ship but Universe isn't getting much engagement and it's bumming me out a little bit v_v I hope people are enjoying reading these as much as I love writing them, I'm such a little slut for Taeil I can't even.

“Am I going to get an explanation?”

That was a fair question.  _ “Stopping at the store on my way over, do you want anything?”  _ was Jungwoo’s usual way of inviting him to request some snacks or drinks, and he  _ probably _ hadn’t expected to get  _ “pregnancy test”  _ as a response. Truthfully, Taeil had been going back and forth on whether to ask, and immediately after sending the text message, he’d started cursing himself for being an idiot and not just going to buy one himself.

But really, he just wanted someone else to know— someone who wouldn’t get too flustered (so not Taeyong), someone who wouldn’t take the holier-than-thou, self-righteous, you-should-have-known-testosterone-isn’t-a-contraceptive approach (so not Ten), and most importantly, someone who could keep a secret. Really, Jungwoo was more Sicheng’s friend than Taeil’s, but he at least knew that the younger was empathetic and dependable. And he knew that if he asked, Jungwoo would go to the store without complaint and would show up on Taeil’s doorstep twenty minutes later with a big jug of apple juice and a drug store pregnancy test.

“Um— how about this? You’ll get an explanation if the test comes back positive. If it doesn’t, then we never talk about this again.”

Taeil was pretty sure the test would come back positive. The first one had.

Jungwoo must have sensed Taeil’s nerves; he murmured quiet agreement and then didn’t say another word about it, pouring a glass of juice for each of them while he distracted Taeil with some blabber about the group of friends that were coming over that night for a Mario Kart tournament, and how the invite was still open to Taeil if he wanted in (Taeil must have missed the text earlier in the week, with all the bullshit that was going on). Taeil drank the juice quickly, poured himself some more, tried to muster up the need to pee. Finally, when Jungwoo seemed to have run out of words and was simply watching him, waiting for some sort of response, Taeil picked up the small box and skimmed it over.

“I guess I’ll… be right back.”

“Okay. I’ll be here, hyung.”

This test was a different brand, and it seemed to take forever. Finally, when Taeil had been about to open the bathroom door and tell Jungwoo that the test was faulty—  _ finally, _ the result appeared. Taeil looked at it from all angles, verifying that he wasn’t misreading it, pressed on the screen to see if it would change. It didn’t.

He threw the stick away, and took a long time washing his hands. For a moment, he regretted letting Jungwoo in on the secret, but then he tried to imagine stepping out of the bathroom to an empty apartment. No, he was glad  _ someone  _ was there, otherwise he might have a mental breakdown.

Jungwoo wore a hopeful smile when Taeil stepped out of the bathroom, but it was washed away the moment their eyes met— and Taeil didn’t get to see what expression would replace it before he was blinking back tears. He hid his face in his hands, and the next thing he knew, Jungwoo was pulling him gently into his arms, Taeil’s head against his shoulder.

For a long time, they were silent. And it was nice. Taeil wished they could stay that way.

“Does Sicheng know?” Jungwoo asked at last, delicately. It probably wasn’t easy, given that Jungwoo and Sicheng had been such close friends.

“Yeah. I told him after I took the first pregnancy test, yesterday.”

“And? What did he say?”

Taeil swallowed with some difficulty, trying not to laugh with derision at the very memory: “He told me to call him after I took a second one. So… I guess I’ll find out tonight.” That was supposed to be the end of it, Taeil was supposed to smile and look Jungwoo in the eyes and tell him not to worry,  _ everything will be fine—  _ but he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes or even lift his head up, and the words that slipped out of his mouth next made his throat tighten: “He’s not going to do anything about it. He and I were never serious about each other.”

That was only half true. Taeil had been crazy about Sicheng, crazy enough to fuck him in the deluded hopes that it would be enough to make him change his plans, stay in Korea, settle down. But he wouldn’t admit to that, not ever.

“So what are you… planning on doing, hyung?”

That  _ was _ the question, wasn’t it? Suddenly, the clock was ticking. Adoption was a choice. There were plenty of deserving couples in South Korea who would have loved and cherished the little tiny human growing inside him, but that would mean—  _ being _ pregnant. That would mean people knowing. That would mean doctor’s visits. That would mean maternity clothes. That would mean—

“I don’t think you can be on hormones while you’re pregnant. Ah— assuming you’re on hormones. Assuming… sorry, I probably shouldn’t assume these things about you.”

“No, you’ve assumed correctly. And I’ve thought about that.” Oh, he had, certainly— and that brought up the simpler alternative, if you could call abortion  _ simple. _ He wouldn’t have to tell people. His body wouldn’t change. But then… well, then he would have to live with the knowledge of it. And while he couldn’t judge any person who took that option for themselves, he wasn’t sure that he could do it, all things considered. It was a big gray area for him, and it was far from simple.

“I hope you know that I’m here for you. Whatever you need… I hope you’ll call me first.”

There was a third option, too, one that Taeil could barely fathom— fatherhood, alone. He tried and failed to conjure up the image of himself with a baby in his arms; he was twenty-six years old, a grad student living in a one-bedroom apartment, and he didn’t even know how to hold an infant, much less take care of one. But that was what women did when they had an unplanned pregnancy, wasn’t it? However old they were, whatever the situation, they’d have to learn.

“I’ll call you for everything,” Taeil confirmed, voice tight with the beginnings of tears. “So don’t ever turn your phone off.”

Jungwoo laughed softly, giving him one more tight squeeze before he pulled back to look him in the face properly. At first he was embarrassed, but then— this was  _ Jungwoo,  _ bright-eyed and gentle and instantly calming— and suddenly, all Taeil wanted was to turn off the past and the future and live here in this moment.

“I won’t,” Jungwoo promised, and Taeil couldn’t help but believe him.

//

Taeil hadn’t expected much from Sicheng, so he hadn’t been disappointed.

_ “Do you want me to send you money? For your medical stuff? Or for—”  _ Sicheng suddenly stopped and hesitated. One second. Two seconds. Yup, Taeil knew what that meant. Nothing more romantic than the boy you love offering to pay for your abortion.  _ “I’m really sorry I can’t be there, hyung. I don’t really know what I can do.” _

Taeil had known this, that was the sad part. He’d given himself to Dong Sicheng  _ knowing  _ that he was an international student,  _ knowing  _ that he’d return to Beijing after finishing his undergrad degree,  _ knowing  _ that he had a job already lined up working for his father’s company. Taeil had known and he’d fallen in love anyway, and what could he really expect from Sicheng in retribution?

“I’m not telling you because I need money from you. I’m just telling you because I figure you should know that you’re going to have a kid running around out in the world.” Taeil closed his eyes, glad to be by himself. It was late, past ten PM, and his desk was covered in assignments that he was supposed to be working on— Sicheng’s voice was the oddest comfort, like a guilty pleasure. “I’m going through with it. Just so you know.”

_ “By yourself?” _

That, Taeil wasn’t sure. “Jungwoo has been a big help. He’s coming with me to my doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” he replied, though it didn’t do much to answer Sicheng’s question. “I’ll keep you updated, if you want.”

The longest moment passed right here. Once more, Taeil didn’t hold his breath.

_ “You don’t have to do that, hyung. But— you can text me if you need money, and I’ll try my best to help you out. If I can.” _

Taeil didn’t bother smiling. There was nobody to convince except himself, and he knew he was a lost cause. “Okay,” he answered shortly before telling Sicheng that he needed to go, that he had a lot of work to do. Sicheng agreed, said that he was tired, promised once more to keep in touch.

This was the last meaningful interaction that Taeil ever had with Dong Sicheng, and it really wasn’t disappointing at all.

//

“Hi. Good afternoon. I have a 1:00 appointment— I need the new patient paperwork, please?”

While the receptionist shuffled for the proper forms, Taeil turned back to survey the waiting room: it was inoffensively bland, with a small television playing the local news and several deceptively uncomfortable couches. On one, a woman who looked around his age and several months more pregnant was reading a book while she waited, with a hand resting absentmindedly on her bulging stomach, as though it had been there all her life. On another, Jungwoo sat idle, eyes locked on the TV as a distraction, though his fidgeting fingers told Taeil that he wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention.

Taeil carefully took the seat beside him, settling in to look over the intake paperwork he’d been given. Personal information, family medical history for both parents—  _ great.  _ If there was one thing he didn’t fucking  _ feel like  _ doing, it was calling Sicheng again. He supposed he’d just fill in what he could.

He started with his name. He felt as self-conscious as always writing it, and he didn’t miss the way that Jungwoo’s fidgeting had suddenly ceased, body tensed in attention.

“Do you mind?”

“Ah— I’m sorry.” Jungwoo immediately scooted over to put some space between them, looking away. “I didn’t mean to.”

Taeil snuck a peek at the younger man, whose eyes were politely fixed on his lap.  _ It’s not like he doesn’t know that I’m trans. I guess stealth won’t exactly be an option after this. _ “Just don’t tell anyone. My name, I mean. It’s— it’s weird for people to know.” The next line on the form was labeled  _ “preferred name”,  _ and he jotted down  _ Taeil. _

“I won’t tell anyone a thing. I promise, hyung, I’m not that kind of person.”

“I know you’re not.” Taeil felt a tiny pinprick of guilt for being so harsh; his nerves really were frayed. “Sorry. My mind is everywhere today. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” Without much thought, he gave Jungwoo his left hand, and Jungwoo took it— fidgeting with Taeil’s fingers adorably, Taeil noted. A nurse stepped into the waiting room, calling the other woman with a reassuring smile, and as soon as they were left alone, Taeil felt a little more relaxed.

“I can understand that. You’re taking on a lot,” Jungwoo murmured quietly. He fell silent as Taeil worked, finishing out his personal information before moving on to his medical history and family information. He didn’t know anything about Sicheng’s family, and he honestly wasn’t sure about his own— he could remember, years ago, his mother telling him that he’d been a difficult pregnancy and delivery, but he couldn’t very well call her up and ask her for the details.

Finally, a few minutes after he’d finished, the waiting room door opened once more and his name was called. It gave him a start, hit like a punch to the gut, but he tried to keep his face impassive as he stood up to bring the nurse his paperwork. Jungwoo straightened up too, seeming a little flustered— but his words were very deliberate as he asked,  _ “Taeil-hyung,  _ do you want me to go with you?”

The nurse was already looking at him in surprise, her smile artificial and tight-lipped. It was no wonder; his legal name certainly didn’t match his face, not by a long shot. Glancing back at Jungwoo, he faked a smile and shook his head. “Wait here. I don’t think I’ll be long.”

It was a doctor’s appointment like any other, he reassured himself as the nurse took his height and weight. “We’re going to get all your baseline data now,” she explained as she took his blood pressure, making notes on his chart. “We’ll take blood samples and a urine sample, and then the doctor will be in to do a pelvic and cervical exam. When is the last time you’ve had a pap smear?”  _ A doctor’s appointment like any other, sure.  _ Taeil tried his best to keep a straight face, to not let his discomfort show.  _ Guess I should get used to opening my legs to strangers, or else it’s going to be a long and miserable nine months. _

Giving blood samples was easy enough, and once he was bandaged up, he went into the bathroom to piss into the little cup he was provided. When he returned, he was given a few minutes alone while he waited for the doctor, and he happened to glance at his phone while he could— and despite everything, the unread text from Jungwoo made him smile.

_ “I hope this doesn’t cross the line, but Taeil suits you.” _

//

“Taeil-hyung? Where are you?”

Taeil opened his mouth to call out  _ “bathroom”,  _ but didn’t quite make it to words. That was okay, though; in his studio apartment, he had no doubt that Jungwoo could hear him on the other side of the bathroom door. He had a research project due at the end of the week, but he’d spent most of his morning kneeling on the linoleum floor, resting his forehead against the porcelain side of the bathtub and trying not to cry. (That wasn’t to  _ mention  _ the Zoom meeting he’d had with his academic advisor the day before, which he’d attended with a waste basket just off-camera and a whole mess of broken blood vessels in his cheeks. He wished he had the courage to tell her that he was pregnant, and not hungover or strung out on something.)

“Oh…” Jungwoo hesitated outside of the bathroom door (Taeil wondered if it was the sight or the smell) and turned a moment later for the kitchenette instead. “I asked my mom what she recommends for morning sickness— she’s a nurse, so I figured she would know. I’m going to make you some barley tea, okay? And I’m going to make you something to eat. My mom said something gentle on the stomach and a little salty would be good. How about chicken and rice soup?”

“Great!” Taeil tried to sound enthusiastic between dry heaves, though that wasn’t exactly possible. Thankfully, Jungwoo didn’t return for him, giving him the space to pull himself together, wash out his mouth, and splash his clammy face with water. Finally, when he felt stable enough to move, he stepped out the open bathroom door and leaned against the doorframe as he watched Jungwoo working in the kitchen. The water on the stove was near boiling, and Jungwoo’s attention had moved on to opening up a package of raw chicken. “You don’t have to go through all that trouble. Didn’t I tell you I’d buy you takeout if you brought me over some medicine?”

“It’s no trouble. Besides, you need to eat too, and you need to eat something you can keep down,” Jungwoo replied firmly, pointing to Taeil’s unmade bed on the other side of the room, where his open laptop and handwritten notes had been abandoned. On the beside table, Jungwoo had placed some kind of capsule with a glass of water. “You should go rest. That’s a capsule of dried ginger, it’s supposed to help nausea. I’ll bring you your tea in a minute.”

“Spoken like someone who’s never been to university.” Taeil spoke the words before he really had time to think them over, and he flinched at his own unintentional cruelty. He wasn’t great with words during the best of times, and he was failing even worse than usual all of a sudden. “Sorry, it’s just— I have a paper due in three days, and I can’t even sit up and focus. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sick.” Drinking water sounded wholly unappealing, but and the ginger capsule seemed to stick in his raw throat, but he muscled through, easier than expected.

“That’s a sure sign that you need to just rest! Take a nap while you can, get yourself rested, and you’ll be refreshed and productive tomorrow!” Jungwoo quickly washed his hands before preparing the tea, and despite his anxiety looming, Taeil couldn’t bring himself to do much more than close his laptop, push his books to the floor, and collapse onto the mattress. He was cold until he pulled the blankets over himself, and then sweating just as quickly.

_ What am I doing? Seriously, why am I doing this? _

“I’m so sorry, Taeil-hyung. I can’t imagine how you must feel…” Jungwoo’s hand nearly made him jump, brushing across his forehead, but the touch was so tender and sweet that it soothed him a moment later. He couldn’t quite understand all the decisions he’d made - he was acting on his gut more than any sort of logic - but he knew for sure that he’d made the right choice in picking Jungwoo to tell. “Your tea is here, but why don’t you take a little nap and drink it when you wake up?”

Actually, a nap sounded fantastic. Taeil didn’t have the strength to argue. He’d spent the last few days feeling like his energy was sapped, and now—  _ if _ he could sleep, he reasoned, that was exactly what his body needed.

When he woke up, Taeil felt disoriented at first; it took him a moment to feel for his phone in the pocket of his hoodie so that he could check the time. It was past 5 PM, he’d slept for over three hours, and to no surprise, Jungwoo was long gone. He’d sent Taeil a text though -  _ “The soup on the stove is ready to eat! Enjoy! I’m going to be streaming tonight, but I’ll keep my phone on in case you need me!” _

Taeil wiped his bleary eyes and dragged himself into a sitting position, but it didn’t help the bad taste left in his mouth. He reached for the tea that Jungwoo had left, cold now and probably ineffective— but even so, it tasted good, and he hadn’t realized how dry his throat was until he swallowed it.

Jungwoo was doing a lot for him, and he’d been nothing but irritable ever since that first pregnancy test. Maybe it was understandable, but Jungwoo had never in his life been anything but good to Taeil, from the very first time that Sicheng had showed up at Jungwoo’s apartment with his non-gaming boyfriend in tow. Taeil didn’t know shit about video games, didn’t understand how Sicheng could hang out with all these losers who  _ played first-person shooters for a living, _ but Jungwoo had such an infectious energy about him that Taeil understood at once why people watched him and threw him money.  _ Sweetheart,  _ that was the perfect word to sum him up.

And so, when Taeil settled back into bed with a mug of lukewarm soup, he opened his laptop up and minimized his assignments to pull up Jungwoo’s Twitch stream instead. Yes, PUBG was insufferably stupid and boring, but listening to Jungwoo read comments and laugh as he played was some kind of small comfort.

Swallowing his pride, he felt for his phone in the bedsheets and typed a tentative message.

_ “I’m really sorry that I said what I said. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings too much. If it makes you feel any better… clearly university didn’t keep me from ending up broke and pregnant and obviously a grouchy, hormonal ass. For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing.” _ _  
_ _ “Thank you for the soup! It’s really delicious, if you’re not busy later you should come back over and eat some too  _ 😓  _ I’m probably not going to do any more schoolwork tonight. I feel so drained.” _

Jungwoo’s phone went off somewhere on the desktop (Taeil could hear the mic pick it up), and when the round was over, he gave it a discreet glance. A smile came to his face at once, and he tapped a brief message with his index finger— which came up on Taeil’s phone just a second later, no words, just “👍”.

Taeil wasn’t sure why Jungwoo’s little smile gave him butterflies. Hormones, probably. But he  _ did _ leave the stream on while he ate, because even when Jungwoo was talking absolute gibberish to Taeil’s ears, his voice was a consolation.

//

At Taeil’s three-month checkup, Jungwoo didn’t offer to accompany him into the exam room at all. That was fine by Taeil anyway— they were spending so much time together, really for  _ no reason,  _ that Taeil’s friends were all beginning to take notice and pick on them. He hadn’t told Taeyong or Johnny or Ten about the little  _ situation  _ that Sicheng had left him with (he was biding his time, remembering how much all his friends had hated Sicheng), and he supposed it  _ did _ look strange that Jungwoo was suddenly texting him daily, delivering food to his house, and bringing him to his appointments.

(“He likes you, you  _ do  _ know that, right?” Taeyong’s smug assertion only pissed Taeil off. Taeyong and Johnny had been dating since high school, Taeyong didn’t know  _ anything  _ about romance.)

And it wasn’t that Taeil didn’t  _ want _ Jungwoo with him. The truth was, he really liked the doting, it was something no one had done for him in a long time— but at the same time, Jungwoo took so much care for a problem that wasn’t even his, and there was very little that Taeil could do to pay him back. He wouldn’t let Jungwoo share the responsibility for his own irresponsibility, he  _ couldn’t. _

He’d decided to do this alone, after all.

Taeil hadn’t gained any weight yet, but at least he hadn’t  _ lost  _ any, which had been a concern. His morning sickness had finally come to a stop - the doctor assured him that he would probably feel  _ much  _ better going into the second trimester - but he reported that he was still feeling moody and out-of-sorts.

“I guess I’m just a little anxious still,” Taeil admitted to the doctor at the end of her questioning. “Truthfully, I don’t really  _ feel  _ pregnant yet, I just feel sick and a little bloated. When will I be able to have an ultrasound and actually— you know,  _ see _ the baby?”

“Usually, we don’t do an ultrasound this early,” the doctor explained apologetically. “It will be approximately another month before you’ll see anything you’d recognize as a baby. But— would it reassure you to hear the baby’s heartbeat? That, I can show you.”

Taeil’s own heart quickened. Some days, this all felt like a nightmare he couldn’t wait to wake from— but in that moment, he wanted nothing more than that moment of confirmation, assurance that this was all happening to him for a  _ purpose.  _ “Can you?” he asked quickly, feeling himself blush a bit as he placed a hand over his still-flat belly.

“Sure I can. Here… sit back a bit and lift up your shirt.” The doctor was sanitizing the earpieces of her stethoscope as she spoke, and once Taeil had put them in his ears, she placed the chest-piece carefully below his belly button. It took a moment, and a couple shifts before he could really hear it, but he stopped her suddenly when the pounding sound became clear.

_ Thu-thump. Thu-thump.  _ The baby’s heart was pounding right alongside his own, he realized in amazement. Maybe there wasn’t much to see yet, but it - no, he or she - was really there. The all-day bouts of vomiting, the wistful goodbye to his coffee addiction, the expensive prenatal vitamins, they were all for this. And then, inexplicably, he thought of Jungwoo— who had showed up at his apartment the night before with a whole slew of groceries and labored over a dinner of roast vegetables and salmon.  _ You need extra protein and extra iron, for the baby. I mean… that’s what I was reading, anyway. Don’t ask me why… _

“Can I— is it okay if I bring my friend in from the waiting room?” Taeil just about pleaded, glancing up at the doctor. “I just think he would want to hear this.”

The doctor smiled faintly, asking the nurse to fetch Jungwoo without any protest. He showed up at the door to the examination room a few moments later, bowing politely to the doctor. He had this way of looking so much smaller when he was feeling self-conscious— it was cute, Taeil thought off-handedly, though he didn’t dwell on it. “Here. Just— listen. My baby has a heartbeat.”

“Wait, already?” Jungwoo took the stethoscope tentatively while Taeil held the diaphragm steady against his stomach. He didn’t have to ask if Jungwoo heard it, because the way Jungwoo’s eyes widened was more than enough. “Seriously? That’s not your heart?”

Taeil had to laugh, quietly. “My heart is here,” he answered patiently, bringing the diaphragm up to his chest so that Jungwoo could hear the difference. And then back down… and really, though Taeil hadn’t been all that emotional so far, thinking about it made him want to cry. “This is it. This is the little devil that’s been making me throw up every morning for the past month and a half.”

After that, the rest of the appointment was quick. Another blood sample, another piss sample— but as far as the doctor could tell from her questions, she promised, everything seemed perfectly normal. Taeil felt a little dazed as he walked out of the office, his footsteps slowing a bit without realizing it, and the next moment he felt Jungwoo’s arm slip around his shoulders to keep him close as they crossed the parking lot. It was early April, and there was still a chill in the air, and Jungwoo’s body heat felt unexpectedly nice.

“Thanks for the ride. I really hate taking the bus these days, especially during rush hour. Getting crammed between a bunch of strangers wearing too much perfume makes me want to barf like nothing else.” Taeil shuddered slightly at the memory, shaking his head as he buckled his seatbelt and pulled out his wallet. “Where do you want to eat lunch? It’ll be my treat.”

“Anywhere is fine,” Jungwoo answered faintly as he started the car. “You pick.”

“I still don’t want to eat anything,” Taeil confessed. “But I’ll buy for you. And I might steal a few bites, if the smell of it doesn’t turn my stomach.”

“Ah. Up to you, in any case.”

Taeil fell silent in thought, watching Jungwoo though he didn’t exactly mean to. Jungwoo was good at staying stone-faced, and he supposed he’d never get anywhere without simply asking him. “Is everything okay? I didn’t cross a line by making you listen to my baby’s heartbeat, did I? I was just— I dunno. I thought you’d want to hear it.”

Jungwoo was silent for a few seconds more, long enough to make Taeil’s stomach drop. “I’m not upset with you,” he explained at last, softly. “If I have to be honest? I’m upset with Sicheng. I didn’t let myself think about it at first… like, I know he has his reasons, I know he has this whole life back in China that he can’t just  _ give up…  _ but to me, it looks like he was man enough to sleep with you but not man enough to take responsibility for the consequences.”

_ God,  _ this was weird to talk to another person about. Taeil had told all his friends that it was fine, that he wasn’t all that into Sicheng anyway, but truthfully, he’d been thinking about it a  _ lot _ on his own.  _ I wonder if he knew that I could get pregnant. I wonder if he would have slept with me if he knew. I wonder if he would have even started dating me if I’d told him I was trans from the start. What if I’m the one who’s an asshole? _

“He would have had no way of expecting this,” Taeil answered at last, softly. “And even so, I think any reasonable person in my position would have gotten an abortion. I’m the one who’s choosing to be a father on my own… and he’s the one who’s choosing to  _ not _ be a father at all, so I guess that’s fair.”

Still, there was one more thing, one thought that he tried his very hardest not to let surface:  _ I was so embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of him, every single time. He might not have ever forced me, but I certainly wouldn’t have had sex with him if he hadn’t initiated it every time. I did this for him. _

“Do you think that’s fair, Taeil-hyung?”

Taeil had to consciously unclench his jaw to answer. “I do.”

Jungwoo had apparently picked a restaurant; without a word, he pulled to park on the street by a little sandwich shop that Taeil had visited a time or two before. But he didn’t make a move to get out of the car right away, he didn’t even unbuckle his seatbelt.

“You know what? I spent a long time, like  _ months,  _ feeling guilty for being such a shitty friend to Sicheng,” Jungwoo admitted at last, meeting Taeil’s eyes with an unexplained shyness. “Because as much as I liked him, as much as he and I had in common… towards the end, I wasn’t really inviting him over because I wanted to see him. I was inviting him over because I wanted to see  _ you.  _ I can remember telling Jaehyun, and Jaehyun telling me how fucked up it is to have a crush on your friend’s boyfriend—”

The word  _ crush _ hit Taeil hard, and he began to wring his hands in order to dispel some of his awkward, fidgety energy.  _ This isn’t happening. Oh my god, there’s no way this is for real.  _ Taeil had felt like an intrusion at Jungwoo’s apartment more often than not, finding himself sitting back with Jaehyun’s girlfriend Sooyoung and fiddling with his phone while they guys played video games— but Jungwoo had always gone out of his way to entertain him, he remembered, and he and Jungwoo had begun to get close only through the younger’s efforts to message Taeil on KakaoTalk. Taeil wasn’t interesting enough for conversation, in his own humble opinion, but Jungwoo seemed to think he was just fine.

“Taeyong told me you probably liked me,” Taeil answered lamely, without much idea of what  _ else _ to say.

“I wanted to ask you out when I heard you and Sicheng had decided to break up, instead of doing the long-distance thing,” Jungwoo confessed quietly. Someone else might have felt shameful, or guilty, but Jungwoo didn’t  _ seem  _ ashamed at all. He held Taeil’s gaze, feeling—  _ uncertain,  _ but genuine, the way that Taeil had always known him to be. “I just wasn’t sure how long I was supposed to wait, or how much time you’d need to feel good about dating. And then, before I could figure it out, you were telling me you needed a pregnancy test.”

_ This is weird.  _ Taeil had to remind himself to breathe— was this what pregnant women talked about, their babies pressing on their lungs? No, this was probably just anxiety.

“Sorry,” Jungwoo murmured after a stifling silence. “I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward. I just don’t understand how he can be okay with missing all of this. You and I aren’t even  _ together,  _ and I don’t want to miss any of it.” Again, Taeil couldn’t even  _ begin  _ to gather his thoughts into syllables, and after another few heartbeats, Jungwoo forced a little laugh. “I’m just digging myself a deeper hole, I know it. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.”

“Okay,” Taeil agreed faintly, finally unbuckling his seatbelt. Jungwoo got out of the car as Taeil opened the door, and hurried around to the other side of the vehicle in order to help him out— Taeil snorted, smiling without thinking. “Hey, I’m not  _ that _ pregnant yet.”

“I’m just being safe!” Jungwoo defended, holding onto his hand regardless.  _ Jungwoo had nice hands—  _ just a bit bigger than Taeil’s own, soft, with well-groomed nails. The more he tried not to notice it, the more he noticed it, but the one thing he couldn’t bring himself to do was let go.

_ “Jungwoo likes me,”  _ he texted Taeyong while they were waiting for their food.

_ “I told you,”  _ Taeyong responded within just a few minutes, and Taeil spent the next several wondering how fucking  _ oblivious  _ he was.

//

The cravings were almost as excruciating as the nausea, sometimes. And always at the worst of times— say, 2:14 AM, when even the gas station down the road from Taeil’s apartment was closed for the night. Taeil had plenty of healthy snacks in his kitchen, fresh fruit and crackers and almonds, but what he wanted  _ desperately,  _ more than  _ anything else,  _ was dark chocolate. Thinking about it made his mouth water, and once he’d thought about it once, he couldn’t think about anything else.

He looked at the clock again. 2:17.  _ Fuck,  _ this was too much.

Sitting up at last, Taeil opened his laptop and fumbled as he typed in his password. As expected, most of the people on his friends list were offline— but to no surprise, Jungwoo’s name was still lit up. His regular sleep schedule was just as fucked as Taeil’s pregnant one, imagine that.

_ “What are you doing online” _

The three dots of Jungwoo’s typing popped up after barely a second.  _ “What are YOU doing online? You’re not sick are you?” _

Always doting— Taeil had a feeling that would never change, and he was glad. They’d seen each other just twice since Jungwoo’s confession, and Taeil had smoothly avoided talking about it both times. No talk about relationships, no talk about Sicheng, no serious musings about the future— that was fine, right? If they stayed away from those three things, Taeil would never have to figure his feelings out.

_ Taeil: No… I want chocolate _ _  
_ _ Taeil: I really really really really REALLY want chocolate _ _  
_ _ Jungwoo:  _ 😮  _ Don’t you have sweets at your place? _ _  
_ _ Taeil: No I want CHOCOLATE but the store is closed  _ 😭   
_ Jungwoo: LMAO… are you going to be awake for a bit? I might have something here _ _  
_ _ Taeil: Omg pls _

Taeil rolled onto his back and hugged his pillow to his chest. Honestly? He was lucky that Jungwoo liked him,  _ really _ lucky. Taeyong and the others might have teased him about “robbing the cradle” (Ten also told him that his type was “big and dumb”, which Taeil adamantly disagreed with), but what did four years of age difference mean when Jungwoo  _ really _ cared for him?

Cared for the baby, too.  _ Eat this, your baby needs folic acid. Are you taking your prenatal vitamins? Did you know that you’re supposed to sleep on your left side when you’re pregnant to decrease your chance of stillbirths?  _ All Taeil had to do was picture Jungwoo’s face, listening to the heartbeats in his stomach, to make himself go soft and squishy with affection. For all he knew, it was mere hormones, but it  _ felt _ like something.

Jungwoo tapped on the door lightly before he let himself in, turning on the light for visibility as he slipped off his shoes, and Taeil scrambled for a hoodie. His breasts were too tender to wear his binder recently, which meant going back to the old high school standby: clothes so oversized that his body couldn’t be seen. Luckily, Jungwoo didn’t seem at all put off, and only smiled as he set down his cloth tote bag on the table.

Wordlessly, he pulled out a large jar of Nutella and a half-eaten bag of pretzel sticks. Taeil swooned.

“Is this okay? I didn’t have any proper chocolate, either.”

Taeil grabbed two spoons from the clean dish rack. “That’s perfect. I don’t need the pretzels, though.”

“Fair enough!” Jungwoo chuckled, busting the jar open and letting Taeil get the first bite. “I’m just glad it was this. I got scared when I saw you online! I figured you were either sick or working.”

“Nah. I should be working. My semester ends next month, and I have a so much to do.” Taeil didn’t want to think about that, though.  _ Nutella,  _ so much better. He actually moaned when the sweet substance hit his tongue, leaning his head against Jungwoo’s shoulder in thanks. The taller man stiffened for a moment— but only for a moment, before his arm wrapped tentatively around Taeil’s hips.

“Weren’t you going to do an internship next year?”

Yeah, he  _ had _ been— an internship at a counseling center, which would have looked  _ fantastic  _ alongside the master’s degree in counseling that he was working towards. Taeil was sad to have to decline it, but he’d already swallowed that pill and gotten over it. Parenthood was all about making sacrifices; he’d finish his degree in a couple years, one way or another. “Yeah, but I’ve decided to take a year off school,” he answered impassively. “Something tells me I’ll need to reset my whole life once the baby comes. Starting with my sleep schedule. I’ll be up all hours, like you.” He managed a small laugh, scooping another spoonful of Nutella. Quiet fell again. Jungwoo, consciously or not, rubbed small circles into the base of Taeil’s back, and Taeil  _ very  _ consciously wrapped his free arm around Jungwoo in a half-hug.

“I’m sorry things have been awkward these last few days,” Taeil finally spoke up at last, sticking his spoon back in the jar and leaving it there. “I’m not good at people liking me.”

“Aww. You’re cute, though. Why do you feel that way?”

“Because I’m quiet. And awkward. And plagued with anxiety,” Taeil answered honestly, daring to turn his face a bit more into Jungwoo’s shoulder, letting his cheek press against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “On top of everything else that’s currently going on, of course. I feel like I’m throwing my and Sicheng’s mess on your shoulders and asking you to carry the burden for me.”

Jungwoo hummed softly in acknowledgement, gathering his thoughts. “I know you disagree, I know you keep looking for excuses for him, but I think that Sicheng gave up something incredible.  _ Someone  _ incredible.” Taeil heard him swallow, saw his Adam’s apple quiver in his throat, and felt an unexplained surge of affection that warmed him from his cheeks to his toes— and then Jungwoo went on, nearly a whisper, “You’re not throwing a burden on me. I want to help you, and I’ll help you for as long as you let me, whether or not you want to date me. So… don’t worry about it, okay?”

It was a nice sentiment, but Jungwoo had spoken it a second too late, Taeil thought with amusement. He lifted his cheek from Jungwoo’s shoulder, tilted his head up; Jungwoo tensed all over again, but he turned his head instinctively when Taeil touched the side of his jaw, and in the most effortless moment Taeil could remember from the past three months, their lips came together.

Taeil hadn’t kissed very many people, but he was always intoxicated by the nerves of a  _ first kiss,  _ bubbly excitement simmering under sheer terror as their lips became acquainted. Jungwoo kissed how he flirted, sweet but passive, letting himself be led along. When Taeil was tentative, Jungwoo matched his movements slowly; when Taeil’s lips parted, Jungwoo followed suit, and he nipped sweetly at Taeil’s bottom lip as he pulled back. Eyes wide, pupils blown,  _ unspeakably  _ pretty all of a sudden.

“You taste sweet. I like it.”

“I—” Taeil was once again speechless. Jungwoo seemed to leave him speechless a  _ lot. _ “You’re a fucking fool. And you have chocolate on your mouth,” he whispered at last, licking his thumb and using it to wipe the Nutella from just below Jungwoo’s bottom lip.

It was late, but neither of them were tired, so Taeil put on the TV and they made themselves comfortable on the couch— first on separate cushions, and then Taeil’s head drooped onto Jungwoo’s shoulder, and his body weight soon followed, leading Jungwoo to wrap an arm around him and pull him in close. Taeil was half-anticipating kisses, but after that first one, there were no more. Jungwoo seemed content just to have him close, and while Taeil knew plenty of guys who would have found that boring, it was just what he needed in that moment, it was  _ perfect. _

“Sorry, I’m not crushing you, am I?”

“My arm’s kind of falling asleep.”

“Sorry, I’ll move—”

“No. Please, don’t.”

(Taeil felt like he’d been waiting his whole life to hear those words, silly as it sounded.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I write things better when they're distraction pieces... hence hammering this puppy out in like a week. (Universe still upcoming... I am VERY close to finishing the chapter that I'm on, I'm just being a shithead about it.)

“Did you know your baby has a face now?”

Jungwoo told Taeil this little factoid just a couple days before his first ultrasound appointment, and for some reason, it stuck with him. For someone so light-hearted and air-headed most of the time, Jungwoo certainly had a strong capacity to research and remember trivia about things that interested him. (It went without saying that Jungwoo knew a lot about video games too, but he also surprised Taeil sometimes with the subjects that he was a secret genius of— like foreign cuisine, and trot music.)

His baby had a face now; he supposed that was no surprise, given that he was four months along. Taeil looked down at his stomach as he buckled his seatbelt. In the oversized shirt he wore, there was nothing to see, but he’d begun to notice that his pants were fitting tightly. It was amazing and agonizing and beautiful and miserable, all at once.

“I hope my baby looks like me,” Taeil suddenly spoke out of nowhere, breaking the comfortable silence they’d allowed to fall. It felt awkward, but that was how it was sometimes; things would just bounce around his head, plaguing him, until he blurted them out. Luckily, Jungwoo was always good at taking whatever Taeil gave him for conversation fodder and running with it.

“Yeah? Me too,” he answered softly, fighting a smirk off his lips as he stated matter-of-factly, “Attractive people have easier lives.”

“What are you…” Taeil blinked, taking a moment for the joke to catch up with him, only to elicit a groan. “You’re the worst, I hope you know that.”

“I’m  _ just saying.” _

Taeil held Jungwoo’s hand in the car and across the parking lot, but not when they stepped into the doctor’s office. It was a strange balancing act, Taeil realized, though perhaps too late. He liked Jungwoo, and he had no doubt that Jungwoo adored him, but he had the bad feeling that getting too attached or dependent would end in heartbreak. Jungwoo had fallen for Taeil months ago, he’d claimed, but he hadn’t seen Taeil at his worst— and he was bound to, soon. If pregnancy didn’t break them, it would be the sleepless weeks of caring for a newborn that would do it.

Even so, when the nurse came for him, Taeil looked to Jungwoo, nodding faintly. It was his first ultrasound. It seemed cruel  _ not  _ to allow Jungwoo in, the only person who loved this baby even half as much as he did.

“We’ll see if we can get a good image for you today,” the sonographer, a young woman with an unnaturally perky exterior, promised as she prepped the machine. “I’ll have you relax on the table and pull up your shirt— Dad, you can sit right here so that you can see, too!” She indicated a chair by the examination table, and Taeil blushed, but not quite as much as Jungwoo.

“He’s just a friend,” Taeil corrected without thinking. “He’s here for moral support.”  _ Fuck, I should have just went with it.  _ Taeil bit his tongue, cursing himself in his head, but Jungwoo sat where he was directed and didn’t seem offended as he took his boyfriend’s smaller hand.

“I’m glad you have a friend for moral support, then,” the woman corrected herself after an awkward moment. “All right, brace yourself. The gel will be a bit cold.”

At first, there was nothing recognizable on the screen, as far as Taeil could tell. Just some moving shapes, dark and light. The sonographer pressed on his stomach, firm but gentle in her touch, and perhaps it was his imagination, but Taeil could have sworn he felt a shift inside himself— and then, all at once, the sonographer announced: “There we go! There’s your baby!”

“Oh!” Jungwoo gasped quietly, giving Taeil’s hand a little squeeze. “Is that the head?”

“The head is here,” she indicated, pointing on the screen. “And here’s an arm. Looks like they’re a thumb-sucker already.”

All the anxiety, at least for the moment, was gone. Taeil felt bubbly, elated, as he watched the image on the screen. Once again, the baby felt real and tangible, sucking their little thumb just a few inches under Taeil’s belly button. “Can you tell the sex yet?” Taeil asked, voice quivering.

“The positioning isn’t great, so it’s hard to say for sure,” she replied apologetically. “I don’t see a penis or scrotum, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. We’ll hope for a better look when we see you again next month.”

It felt like a dream, like meeting them for the first time. The baby was about fifteen centimeters long, the sonographer determined,  _ somehow.  _ And as far as she could tell— “Everything looks good. The baby looks perfectly normal and perfectly healthy. If you haven’t started to feel movement yet, you should soon!”

_ That _ was nerve wracking. Time was passing quickly, and Taeil was  _ beyond  _ unprepared. When they left the office, this time, he didn’t think to let go of Jungwoo’s hand, didn’t think about it until Jungwoo was opening the car door for him.

“Are you okay? You’re really quiet today.”

“I’m fine. Just—  _ fucking terrified,  _ is all.” It was the first time Taeil could remember saying it aloud, but it  _ felt  _ good, getting it off his chest.

Jungwoo smiled softly, reaching up to brush Taeil’s messy hair back off his forehead. “You’re incredibly brave. I hope you know that,” he said, with a sobriety that gave Taeil tiny chills. Yes, he knew, but it was still so reassuring to hear someone acknowledge it.

//

Taeil hated shopping for clothes, even on his best days, so he didn’t surprise himself at all by waiting until the last possible second to go maternity shopping. By the time he finally gave in, he’d outgrown all of his jeans and was down to a choice of unflattering sweats and sleep pants, and even his biggest sweater couldn’t completely disguise the shape of his stomach. Soon it would be summer, and the thought of himself in a t-shirt, with no binder— no,  _ no,  _ fuck it, he’d stay locked in the house all summer long before he’d let anyone see him like that.

He’d just barely begun to like the person he saw in the mirror, too. It was such a shame.

“Hyung, are you going to be ready any time today?” Jungwoo questioned lightly, scratching at the bathroom door to get Taeil’s attention. “You didn’t fall in the toilet, did you?”

“I’m fine!” Taeil huffed, perhaps with more ire than intended. Jungwoo was the type to talk first and think later; Taeil knew he didn’t  _ mean  _ to annoy or condescend with his jokes, but it was sometimes hard for him to take when he was already feeling pissy. “Let’s just… go quickly so we can get back quickly.” He passed Jungwoo on his way to the door, jamming his feet into the smaller of the two pairs of shoes waiting there.

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything is  _ fantastic.” _ Taeil sighed.  _ I just feel like a beached whale, that’s all. I just keep second-guessing whether this is all going to be worth it. I just— _

“Taeil-hyung.” Taeil was just going to let him talk, but he was forced to look, too, when Jungwoo took his shoulders and gave them a reaffirming squeeze. “It’s okay if everything  _ isn’t okay.  _ If you tell me what’s wrong, I can help you.”

It really was unfair. Jungwoo was just too pure for Taeil. He took a deep breath— in through the nose, out through the mouth. “I wish I could just send you to buy clothes for me,” he answered after a moment, embarrassed by the hint of whining that had slipped into his voice. “I hate trying things on. I feel huge and disgusting, I have heartburn _all the time,_ and now I can’t bind or even dress the way I want to. They don’t make _men’s maternity_ clothes.”

Jungwoo said nothing, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into Taeil’s shoulders for a moment more as he pressed his lips together in thought. “We’ll figure something out for you, I promise.” He looked down at Taeil’s torso, making him cross his arms self-consciously over his growing belly, and without more than a second’s hesitation, he stepped back and began to take off the oversized jersey he was wearing. “Here. Give me your sweater,” Jungwoo stated, standing in front of Taeil shirtless like it was the most natural thing in the world. He was skinny (Taeil was already  _ painfully  _ aware of that), but he was also  _ built,  _ with abs and pecs and biceps that Taeilhadn’t even realized were there. Flustered, he turned his back to take off his sweater, thankful that he’d had the sense to wear an undershirt.

A football jersey wasn’t anything Taeil would usually wear, not by a longshot, but it was big enough to smooth out his baby bump a little, and the design on the front would at least interrupt the obvious. “Ah… thanks. I can breathe a little easier in this. Why don’t I get you something cooler to wear, though… I think I have a t-shirt that will fit you, they all just look ridiculous on me right now.” He opened his wardrobe, sifting through a few shirts and tossing one Jungwoo’s way. “By the way, you’re not allowed to just randomly take your shirt off in front of me without warning. It’s not fair.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re  _ hot.” _

“Oh.” Jungwoo blushed initially, eyes wide, as though he was hearing this observation for the first time— but when his head emerged from the t-shirt, he was grinning. “Sorry, hyung.”

It  _ was _ warm out, but the sun and fresh air perked Taeil up as Jungwoo drove, even just through the open car window. Before they hit the highway, they passed an elementary school where it looked like a sports game had just ended— families were leaving, and he couldn’t help but pick out a mother with a toddler in her arms and a diaper bag strapped around herself, another with an infant swaddled to her front in some kind of sling. It was hard to tell in just a couple seconds, but one of them looked young like him. Something about it made his heart flutter, and he felt guilty for wondering earlier if it was worth it.

“I’m going to need a lot of things,” Taeil remarked suddenly. He tried not to vent too much, but Jungwoo was the only one who knew he was pregnant, and— well, he  _ was _ his boyfriend, after all. “My semester’s almost over, so I’ve started doing extra online tutoring to make more money, and I was considering doing piano lessons too— I’d have to do those in person, though, so I’m not sure. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with being  _ debilitatingly  _ pregnant.”

“Don’t over-exert yourself,” Jungwoo warned firmly. “I can start streaming more. I was going to anyway, to save up for a better graphics card for my computer, but— y’know. Priorities.” 

It felt like the blood had drained from Taeil’s chest.  _ This  _ certainly hadn’t been what he was aiming for. “You don’t have to do anything like that. You already do enough. Remind me after this, by the way, I’ll give you money for all the gas you’ve spent, driving me around.”

“I  _ volunteer  _ to drive you around!” Jungwoo argued, taking Taeil’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “I just like spending time with you. You don’t have to  _ pay me  _ for that.”

“But you work hard. I’m not going to take that from you.”

“You say this like you’re not taking on the world’s hardest job all by yourself,” Jungwoo retorted. Their fingers laced together so naturally; Taeil wasn’t sure that it made sense for a person to be  _ good  _ at holding hands, but somehow, Jungwoo defied all logic. He was stricken with the sudden, irresistible urge to kiss him, but he didn’t want to distract him, so he raised their joined hands and kissed Jungwoo’s wrist instead.

“I wanted to ask,” Jungwoo blurted out of nowhere, catching Taeil by surprise— normally, Jungwoo just said what was on his mind, and  _ Taeil  _ was the master of overthinking every little word. “I just don’t want to ask in the wrong way… so if you don’t want to answer this, you don’t have to.”

“Go ahead.” Could Taeil actually feel Jungwoo’s pulse in his hand? That seemed impossible. He clutched it with both hands for good measure, running his thumb affectionately across Jungwoo’s soft skin.

“I was just wondering… why you’re going through with it, when it seems like it’s causing you so much dysphoria? I would understand more if Sicheng were still here, but— it just seems like a lot for you to go through on your own. I didn’t know if it was a religious thing, or a moral thing—” Jungwoo suddenly winced at his own words, gaze thankfully stuck on the road ahead. “You don’t have to answer,” he reminded him again. “And I’m not trying to say that you’re making the wrong choice. I guess I just don’t understand.”

Taeil shrugged. Truthfully, he knew the question would be coming, sooner or later. It  _ was  _ a fair question. He wasn’t just putting his body through hell, he was quitting hormone therapy to do it, halting all the progress he’d made. On top of that, the money he’d been saving for his top surgery was as good as spent, now that he needed a crib and bottles and onesies and diapers,  _ so many  _ fucking diapers.

“I’m not really religious,” Taeil admitted with a shrug, trying not to think about how he was gripping Jungwoo’s hand like a lifeline. “Honestly, this is going to sound stupid… but I’m doing it because this is my only chance to do it. When I came out to my parents— I was nineteen at the time, and I was their only child. Obviously, they were devastated, and my mom… she told me that if I went through with this, if I transitioned, I’d never have a normal life, no family, no husband, no kids. And as cruel as it sounds,  _ how else  _ would I have kids? This is probably my only chance at a life that’s  _ semi-normal.  _ Once the baby’s born, I can always start transitioning again, but if I gave this one up… she’s right, I don’t think I’d have much luck with adoption as a gay trans man in a conservative country.”

“That doesn’t sound stupid. I didn’t really think of it that way,” Jungwoo admitted as they finally pulled into the parking garage at the shopping center. Back into artificially lit darkness— it dashed Taeil’s spirits somehow, just slightly. “I didn’t realize that you wanted to be a father.”

Taeil closed his eyes for a moment. Truthfully, he’d spent so many years envisioning himself as a  _ mother—  _ he still hadn’t adjusted, really. What would this be like? Would his child be bullied on his behalf for having a single father who barely reached chin-height on any reasonably-sized man?  _ It doesn’t matter— I’ll try not to let it matter, anyway. I’ll do anything it takes to make sure things turn out. _

“Yeah. I really like kids. And I’m not getting any younger…” Taeil shrugged, feeling awkward as he finally let go of Jungwoo’s hand and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“It’s funny, four years doesn’t seem like all that much of an age difference, but you’re so much more mature than me.” Jungwoo paused for a moment, unbuckling his seatbelt but making no move to open the car door. “I can’t promise miracles, but I’m going to do my best to grow up. I really will.”

_ He’s talking like this is his baby. He’s talking like he’s the one who has to step up—  _ The notion nearly made Taeil scoff, until he realized the implications.  _ He  _ is  _ going to step up. _ Jungwoo was doing what Sicheng refused to, under no obligation. Or maybe just under the obligation of…  _ genuine feelings for Taeil?  _ Seemed fake. In what universe was that possible?

Still, he’d take it— because he could do things like turning and leaning across the console and kissing Jungwoo squarely on the mouth, without the younger turning away in embarrassment or being caught unaware by the affection, the way Sicheng might. No, even in the lit and fairly busy parking area, where anyone could see them, Jungwoo leaned back into the kiss with a smile Taeil could feel, and he was still grinning like a fool when Taeil pulled away.

“I was about to apologize for being a sap, but if you like that kind of thing, I’ll do it more often.”

“Shut  _ up.  _ Remember what I said, I don’t want to be here forever. Let’s just find the least offensive maternity clothes possible, or else I’ll live in pajama pants for the next six months.”

Jungwoo chuckled, opening the door at last. “I told you, we’ll find something. I  _ promised.  _ Have some faith.” And the funny thing was, Taeil did.

//

_ “Just as a heads up, Jungwoo is throwing you a surprise birthday party at his apartment next week,”  _ Ten had texted Taeil.  _ “I know how much you hate surprises AND birthday parties. I’m assuming Jungwoo doesn’t though. Lmao.” _

Really, it was Ten who knew Taeil better than anyone: they’d started university as roommates, after all, Taeil a year older than all the other freshmen and Ten a year younger. Taeil had been  _ dreading  _ meeting the roommate he was assigned, because the university did everything by sex, and all of Taeil’s documentation had him categorized as female. He was expecting confusion, discomfort, awkward questions; what he got instead was Ten nervously twiddling his thumbs and waiting for the exact same thing. It was like an act of serendipity, that the only two men wrongly assigned to the women’s building would be shoved together into one room. They didn’t even need to ask each other, it was like an unspoken link.

How Taeil had then gone nearly five months without telling Ten that he was pregnant, then, he didn’t know. Really, he should have told Ten  _ first  _ instead of Jungwoo. But Ten wouldn’t have spared him from a scolding— and Taeil was sure he’d have to hold him back from jumping on a plane to Beijing and breaking all of Sicheng’s bones.

He couldn’t avoid it forever, though, and he supposed the birthday party he’d been unwillingly roped into was as good a time as any. He was showing unquestionably, even through the large flannel shirt that he’d stolen from Jungwoo’s closet, and when he hugged Ten in greeting, it didn’t go unnoted. “I didn’t realize how busy you’ve been with your coursework. You’re getting squishy.”

“Ten, you don’t  _ say  _ things like that to people!” Taeyong scolded, elbowing him out of the way for a hug of his own. “Don’t listen to him. You’re perfect.” He and Taeyong had met during Taeil’s senior year, after a year and a half of testosterone— and as far as he knew, Taeyong was none the wiser about it all.

At least it was a small get-together, Jungwoo had gotten  _ that  _ right. Ten, Taeyong and his boyfriend Johnny, and Jungwoo’s friend Jaehyun, whom Taeil knew well enough. If there were any other people there, he would have lost his nerve. But all of these people would know eventually, they would have to. And so, while Ten poured wine for everyone before dinner (excluding Taeil— heartburn, he’d excused himself), he took his opportunity: “While all of you are here, I think it’s a good time to make an announcement.” He glanced to Jungwoo warily, who looked back at him with wide eyes. “Jungwoo, is it okay with you if I do this now?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, hyung.” He smiled, reaching for Taeil’s hand in solidarity, and Ten giggled.

“Let me guess, buying a house together already? You’re so  _ couple-y.” _

Jungwoo grinned obliviously. Ten’s barely-hidden disdain was lost on him— though to be fair, Ten at least begrudgingly admitted that Jungwoo was better than Sicheng. (“He doesn’t seem very bright, but at least he treats you well.”)

“No,” Taeil dismissed, trying to detach himself from the moment with a sip of water. “I’m actually… going to have a baby.”

“What?” Taeyong asked blankly, eyes two perfect circles as he looked from Taeil to Jungwoo and back.

“It’s a little soon to be talking about that, isn’t it?” Jaehyun questioned, looking solely at Jungwoo— facial expression asking,  _ what have you gotten yourself into? _

“I mean— we didn’t talk about it, it’s happening no matter what,” Taeil answered softly. “I know that most of you didn’t know this, so it’s probably coming as a double-shock to you, but I’m transgender. I started socially transitioning after high school, and I’ve been on hormones for about five years now… I just stopped a few months ago, when I found out about my pregnancy, but I plan to resume after the baby is born.”

Ten, on the other hand, didn’t quite look surprised. His eyes were trained on Taeil’s rounded belly, as though he’d known the entire time. “Jungwoo or Sicheng?” he asked, surprisingly keeping the judgement out of his voice.

“Sicheng. Technically,” Taeil confessed, setting his cup down to fidget with his sleeves. “But he and I have cut ties, so… Jungwoo and I are seeing what happens.” The shocked quiet around the table was a little stifling, and against his better judgment, Taeil found himself blurting out, “I’m sorry if this is really sudden, and I hope nobody feels like I kept this from them out of mistrust. I want to be acknowledged by people as a man, not a trans man. But at least for the next few months, I don’t really have a choice. And— I hope all of you will stick with me through this. I feel really lucky to have all of you here.” He side-eyed Jungwoo, suppressing a smile. “Even though I don’t like surprises or parties.”

“Of course we’re all sticking with you!” Johnny was the first to speak up, loudly and with confidence. “Anything you need, don’t be afraid to ask us— although it seems like you and Jungwoo have things pretty well under control!”

“Oh— congratulations! We forgot to say congratulations!” Taeyong was up at once, hurrying around to Taeil’s side of the table for a hug. “I’m so happy for you! When are you due?”

“Um— October 30th.” Taeil wasn’t big on hugs, but he stood up anyway, and he was surprised by how good Taeyong’s warm embrace felt. “We don’t have to be weird about it, I promise! I’m totally fine. I just wanted to get it off my chest before I got  _ really  _ fat.” He attempted to lighten the mood, but he was sure the tight, trembling hug that he gave Taeyong in return betrayed how grateful he was.

For the rest of the evening, while they ate and talked and traded gifts, conversation drifted back to normal. But there were little things that reminded him: things like Ten no longer plopping aggressively into his lap on the couch and smushing him into the upholstery with affection, things like Jaehyun accidentally bumping into him and instantly apologizing, eyes flickering to his stomach when he asked if he was okay. He’d  _ dreaded  _ the thought of being treated like he was fragile, but he supposed it was a necessary evil when you had a tiny human growing inside of you.

Taeyong and Johnny were the first to leave that night, Jaehyun not far behind— and when Ten announced that he needed to get home to his beauty sleep, he tugged Taeil gently behind him, a silent invite to walk him downstairs. Luckily, Jungwoo’s building had an elevator: Taeil had started to gain weight in his fifth month, and though it didn’t look like much of anything on the scale, he was feeling it in his back and his swollen feet.

“You’re really good, right?” Ten asked quietly as they stepped into the twilight, holding Taeil’s hand casually, as though they were a couple out for a nighttime stroll. “Like,  _ really  _ really? Jungwoo’s not pressuring you into doing any of this, is he?”

“Jungwoo?  _ God,  _ no,” Taeil scoffed, laughing a little. “If anything, I’ve roped Jungwoo into a whole bunch of bullshit. Worry about him, not me.”

Ten sighed. “I just don’t want to see you unhappy again, that’s all. But if this is what you want to do— I’ll  _ try  _ not to worry too much.” Then, as they reached the bus stop, he cracked a smile. “Same rules apply for your baby, by the way. If Jungwoo ever compromises his or her safety, just let me know, and I’ll show up at his door with a sledgehammer.”

“You can’t keep threatening to  _ sledgehammer  _ my boyfriend. We’re about to have a baby together.”

“Fine, fine. If I can’t go after his physical form, then I’ll break all the windows on his car and fill his gas tank with sand.” Ten said this as though it was meant to be a comfort, chuckling warmly as he pulled Taeil in for a hug. “Just kidding. I’m so glad you’re happy, hyung. Please keep me in the loop— I expect to be the first friend who gets a phonecall from the hospital in October, got it?” He smiled gently. “You’re spending the night with Jungwoo, I take it?”

Taeil hadn’t thought about it, but it  _ was  _ late. He supposed maybe he was, though this was uncharted territory. He’d never even  _ seen  _ Jungwoo’s bed. Thinking about it made his heart start to race. “I think so.”

“Good for you. Have your fun while you can get it. It’s your birthday, after all.”

_ “Ew.  _ Text me when you get home, pervert.”

When Taeil stepped back through Jungwoo’s front door, he could hear the sound of water running in the kitchen accompanying the younger’s soft falsetto as he cleaned. He’d never been particularly tidy, he’d noticed, until Taeil had started visiting him more frequently. He really was trying, and it was heart-warming. Taeil emerged into the kitchen, crossing the floor in sock feet and hugging Jungwoo tight from behind.

“I can spend the night here, right?”

“Uh—” Taeil couldn’t help but notice the way that Jungwoo tensed at the touch, and then relaxed, with the faintest of shivers. “If you want to, you can! I don’t mind driving you home, if you’d rather— but if you stay, I’ll give you my bed and I’ll take the couch. I— I have a lot of pillows and stuff, so you can get extra comfortable.”

“You don’t have to do that. We’ve been dating for almost two months. We can share a bed,” Taeil replied softly, though he had to admit, saying it made his throat go dry with nerves. “I actually wanted to talk to you, anyway… since it seems like you’re serious about me…”

“I am!” Jungwoo assured him as he rinsed the suds off his hands and dried them with a dish towel. “Is something wrong? You’re not upset about the surprise party, are you? I’m really sorry— I didn’t think to ask you, but I will from now on.” He let out a little sigh; exasperation or amusement, Taeil couldn’t quite place it, but there was affection in Jungwoo’s voice as he went on, “You’re so…  _ different  _ from everyone else. I feel like I learn something new and fascinating about you every day.”

Taeil snorted. “If you like new and fascinating, you’re in luck,” he replied dryly, tightening his grip on Jungwoo and resting his cheek against the back of his shoulder— refusing to let his boyfriend turn around to kiss him until he’d said what he had to say. “Jungwoo, I really like the emotional intimacy that we have. And I want to be physically intimate with you too— but for now, kissing and hugging and cuddling might be all the physical intimacy I can handle. I know it might come off as strange, when I’m dealing with an accidental pregnancy, but I still haven’t decided how I feel about sex. I understand if that changes your mind about everything…”

Jungwoo’s still-damp hand found Taeil’s linked fingers around his waist, and he gave his boyfriend’s joined hands a gentle squeeze. “That doesn’t change a thing,” he promised, almost  _ too quickly.  _ “I like things how they are. I like kissing and cuddling. I like our emotional intimacy. I feel like I can talk to you about anything.”

_ You say that now. _ Sicheng had said that once, too. Taeil tried to banish the thought, because he  _ knew  _ it was unfair, but it hung on bitterly like a residue that he couldn’t wash off. “It’s going to be awhile before I can consider anything sexual,” he warned gravely. “Definitely not until the baby comes. Possibly not until I’ve transitioned and I have a body that I feel more comfortable in.”

“Okay, hyung.”

Jungwoo didn’t even have the  _ sense  _ to sound disappointed. Taeil sighed, decided to step a little harder: “I don’t know if I’ll want to, even then. I might never be able to… do that for you.”

Finally, Jungwoo tried to turn in Taeil’s arms, and Taeil let him— expecting questions, but instead receiving a warm kiss on the forehead, with Jungwoo letting his lips linger for a few seconds before he pulled away. “That’s fine, hyung. The last thing I want is for you to stress about anything like that.”

“I’m not stressed about it,” Taeil argued, though he knew that it was unnecessary to do so, maybe even a little childish. Stubbornly, he wiped Jungwoo’s kiss off of his forehead.  _ “You  _ should be stressed about it. You’re the one who’s giving up sex indefinitely.”

Jungwoo shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he responded.  _ Clear  _ amusement, this time. “All I know is that… between you and sex, I pick you. If my feelings ever change, we can talk about it then. But for now, this is perfect.” His finger caught under Taeil’s chin, tilting his head up for a kiss on the lips this time— and when they broke apart, he grinned, teasing, “If you said no  _ kissing,  _ it would be harder for me. I  _ really  _ like kissing.”

Taeil couldn’t think of a response, couldn’t even  _ begin  _ to assemble the correct words— and so he kissed him again, pressing close, with his arms around Jungwoo’s shoulders. Privately, he couldn’t imagine giving up kissing, either. Jungwoo was too good, the only person to reliably turn Taeil to mush with nothing but the press of lips on lips.

And so they slept together for the first time. Or rather, they slept  _ side by side,  _ with Jungwoo’s arm flung over Taeil’s hip and his hand resting comfortably on his stomach, never budging even a centimeter lower. Taeil wasn’t used to sharing a bed with somebody, so it took him an extra few minutes to relax; just as his brain was going fuzzy with sleep, though, he was roused at once by the first  _ unmistakable  _ sensations of the baby moving inside him. It didn’t quite feel like the kicking he’d imagined— just adjusting, just getting comfortable, he thought with bewildered tears in his eyes.

Adjusting: he certainly knew how  _ that _ felt. Closing his eyes, he wove his fingers between Jungwoo’s and centered his boyfriend’s hand over those tiny movements, wondering if the baby could feel  _ them,  _ too.

//

“At five months, your baby weighs around ten ounces, and her body is covered in an all-over layer of protective hair. Her major organs are mostly developed; from here on out are the ‘finishing touches’, such as teeth and a set of fingerprints!” Jungwoo read aloud from his phone screen; his other hand held Taeil’s as he spoke, thumb running lovingly over the tops of his knuckles.

“Ten ounces?” Taeil winced as he shifted on that  _ godforsaken  _ waiting room couch, trying to get comfortable. Didn’t the OB/GYN know that  _ pregnant  _ people would be sitting on these things? “Sounds fake. I feel like I have a five pound weight sitting directly on my bladder.”

“Moon Taeil?” This time it was a different nurse who came and got him, different but identically chipper, and when Jungwoo stood up to follow after him, she added, “Dad, I’ll have you go right into the exam room while I check height and weight— and then we’ll take a look at your baby and see if we can determine the sex!”

“I’m not the dad, I’m the boyfriend,” Jungwoo piped up helpfully as he split off into the exam room, making Taeil’s cheeks flare red with embarrassment up on the scale.

“Sorry about him. He’s nervous,” Taeil mumbled, though it made him feel a wash of soft guilt.  _ He  _ had been the one to make that correction at the last ultrasound, after all.

“I’ve seen worse,” was the nurses only reply, a telltale smile playing on her lips as she adjusted the balance and jotted down the weight. “It looks like you’ve put on a little over 4 kg total— which is excellent!”

4 kg, that was all? Taeil tried to suppress his sigh— he supposed he  _ was _ only halfway done.

Once they were in the exam room, Taeil was prodded for another blood sample (it didn’t escape him, the way that Jungwoo paled and looked the other way— and it was kind of cute). At last, Taeil lifted up his shirt once more for the unpleasantly cold slather of ultrasound gel, and he breathed deeply as he tried to relax.

“All right, let’s see…”

“Wow—  _ hyung, look.” _

Taeil didn’t need to be told. At the last ultrasound, he’d been able to make out vague baby-shapes, an arm and a head— this time, what he was seeing on the screen was  _ unmistakable.  _ A face with a nose. A head with a thumb, jammed in their mouth. Taeil tried to picture what it would be like, holding this little thing in his arms, against his chest.

“Do you want to know the sex?”

The question caught Taeil by surprise, and he exchanged a glance with Jungwoo. It hadn’t occurred to him, for some reason, that he might have a choice in the matter. This was  _ everything  _ to most new parents, but— his own mother had taken home a little pink bundle, and spent nineteen years deluding herself into thinking that she had a little girl, despite all the signs to the contrary. No, it didn’t matter much to Taeil, but he supposed people  _ would  _ ask, if only to gift him toys and clothes of the correct color scheme. “Yes, please.”

“Based on what I can see  _ here—”  _ The ultrasound tech pointed to the baby’s abdomen, which Taeil couldn’t tell heads or tails about. “It looks like you have a beautiful baby girl! Congratulations!”

“A girl—” Jungwoo spoke up in wonder, his eyes shining. “That’s amazing. That’s  _ so  _ amazing— I can’t believe how much bigger she looks now. Is she really— I mean, I was reading about baby development, and how the brain and heart and everything are working by now— can she hear us?”

The tech began to reply, but Taeil had stopped listening. Before he’d gotten the news, it hadn’t meant much of anything to him, but the more it sank in, the more the true implications dawned on him. Maybe he had a baby girl, maybe a baby boy, but he knew from experience that just by virtue of being born  _ female,  _ his baby would be at a slight disadvantage in the world no matter what.  _ I’ll have to teach her to be extra-strong. I’ll have to teach her how to fight for her own interests. She has to know that no matter what she’s like, she’s just fine as herself. I don’t know if I’m qualified to raise her in the best way, but I have to try. I have to.  _ And while Jungwoo was in the middle of his response, with seemingly no trigger at all, Taeil burst into tears.

“Taeil-hyung?” Jungwoo didn’t sound sure of himself, somewhere between amusement and fear— and when no response came, his arm slid comfortably around Taeil’s shoulders, something to ground him.

“I’ll give the two of you a moment while I get your ultrasound stills ready,” the ultrasound tech added from somewhere off in the periphery of Taeil’s thoughts, and Jungwoo thanked her as she stepped out of the room. His lips pressed to Taeil’s temple, no impatience, no condescension, just pure—  _ love. _

“Isn’t it amazing? I don’t know her yet, but I’m already pretty sure I love her.”

It was amazing, yes, amazing and  _ terrifying  _ all at once. Taeil wasn’t sure he had the words to properly express the exquisite mix of pride and panic fluttering in his chest, and so he didn’t say  _ anything,  _ and— maybe Jungwoo didn’t get it, but he  _ seemed  _ to.

//

_ Really,  _ the most exhausting thing for Taeil was trying to conjure up money out of thin air while he wasn’t working. He had his online tutoring, and weekly piano lessons for awhile (though the parents of his charge let him go without explanation right around the time he began to show); after that, he found himself searching more desperately for odd jobs he could do from the safety of his home. He was proficient enough to do copywriting, data entry, photo editing— and things were fine when the jobs were plentiful, but sometimes there were lulls, and Taeil found himself dipping into his savings account to pay for groceries.

It crossed his mind that he might stream, like Jungwoo, if only he could do anything that people would watch. He didn’t have the charm or the humor that his boyfriend did, and he couldn’t play video games or do makeup or  _ anything  _ that he typically saw streamers doing. Inexplicably, his mind was thrown back to an afternoon nearly a year ago, in Sicheng’s bedroom, the first time Taeil had let him take his shirt off—  _ “Why do you wear such oversized clothes when you look like this underneath? You’re seriously hot. Since we’re dating now, you should send me pictures when we can’t see each other.” _

He’d said it with a grin, and Taeil had slapped the idea down hoping the smile on his  _ own  _ face didn’t crack, but suddenly he was lamenting the loss of that body. Now he couldn’t sell nudes even if he  _ wanted  _ to. Feet pictures, maybe? He looked down at his swollen, sock-clad feet doubtfully.  _ No, not even. _

“Have you thought about where you’re going to put a crib in here? You have a  _ lot  _ of furniture.”

Taeil looked up from his laptop screen, from his empty email inbox, when Jungwoo spoke. His boyfriend had come over for lunch, and all afternoon long, it was nothing but baby-talk. Taeil needed bigger portions, he was eating for two now. Was he putting on weight the way he was supposed to? Had he read any of the articles on infant nutrition that Jungwoo had linked him to? Had any of the bottles or booties or baby blankets that Jungwoo ordered arrived in the mail yet? Had Taeil given any more thought to those childbirth classes? Was he sure he wanted to go with a cesarean section? Didn’t surgery sound scary? (Compared to natural childbirth? Finally, it was Taeil’s turn for a question— “Are you  _ fucking nuts?”  _ Jungwoo had only stared at him helplessly, which made Taeil feel begrudgingly mushy. Damn those puppy dog eyes.)

“I wasn’t going to buy a crib. It seems unnecessary. When I was an infant, I slept in bed with my parents,” Taeil replied with a little shrug, trying to find a way to get comfortable on the couch with his laptop. Sitting for too long hurt his back, but laying down made it hard to draw a breath. He settled for standing, placing his laptop on the kitchen table and adjusting the screen to see.

“Isn’t that dangerous? I feel like I’d be scared to roll on top of her or something.” Jungwoo glanced up from the vegetables he was chopping up for dinner. Going into the third trimester, he claimed, Taeil needed more iron— beef short ribs, broccoli, and brown rice. Jungwoo was just so  _ wholesome. _

Taeil had reopened the list of online job listings, but the words seemed to be swimming before his eyes, and between his bloating, his breathlessness, and his anxiety, he could no longer focus.  _ Fuck it. I guess I’ll just pull from savings again this week. _ Taeil sighed a little louder than he needed to, shut his laptop a little harder than he should have, and closed his eyes. “I don’t roll in my sleep. It’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much.”

“I  _ always  _ worry.”

“Well—  _ stop.” _

“Sorry. I guess I’m a little on the anxious side today,” Jungwoo confessed, tossing the broccoli into the pan and replacing the cover. It wasn’t something he’d needed to say. Taeil could  _ feel  _ it pulsating through the air, could see it in Jungwoo’s idle fingers tapping on the countertop for a moment. Finally, appearing to steel himself for something, he blurted out, “I worry about you being here by yourself, especially once the baby comes. I don’t want to watch you try and do everything by yourself— it’s not fair. Why don’t you move in with me? I was already thinking about it— we could move my computer into the living room and turn my office into a nursery.”

As if on cue, Taeil was hit with a wave of heartburn that made him feel a little nauseous, and he closed his eyes, swallowing thickly. Everything was changing,  _ everything  _ was changing, over the course of nine months. Half a year ago, he’d thought himself to be in love with Sicheng, and now he barely remembered what he’d loved about him in the first place.  _ I think I just liked that he liked me. Maybe I just like that Jungwoo likes me. Maybe a year from now, I’ll be in love with someone else. _

“Taeil-hyung?”

“Can you get me some water?” Taeil croaked, and Jungwoo sprung into action, nervousness and urgency clear on his face. It took a couple of sips to make Taeil feel any better, but Jungwoo was still wide-eyed and pale, and Taeil sighed as he assembled his thoughts into something a little kinder. “We’ve only been dating for three months, Jungwoo. Isn’t it a little soon?”

“I mean— it could wait a couple months,” Jungwoo conceded, cheeks suddenly flooding with color. “But if you’re nine months pregnant and living alone— what happens if there are any complications? What happens if you go into labor and you’re not able to contact me for some reason?”

“Then I take a cab? Labor doesn’t happen all at once like you see in the movies, Jungwoo.” Taeil patted his stomach, as though trying to reassure himself. “The doctor says everything is normal. I think I’m going to be fine.”

“Yeah, but then  _ after  _ the baby comes,” Jungwoo reminded him stubbornly. “Are you really going to do this by yourself? Wake up whenever the baby wakes up? Every feeding and every diaper and every bath? How will you manage by yourself?” He took Taeil’s hand; fidgeting like crazy, the elder noted, which only made him feel worse. “If you live with me, I can help you any time I’m not streaming. You could go back to school next semester and finish your degree.”

Taeil shrugged, carefully avoiding Jungwoo’s eyes and looking at their twined fingers together. “It sounds nice, in theory… I just can’t give you an answer yet. I mean, seriously… aren’t you worried that we’d break up in six months and everything would just be  _ messy?” _

“What?” Jungwoo’s voice went sharp, his grip tightened. “Why would we break up in six months?”

“I don’t know, and that’s the  _ point,”  _ Taeil answered impatiently. He returned the squeeze once and then pulled his hands back— his palms were getting too sweaty, he was too uncomfortable. “We’ve only been dating for  _ three months.  _ A lot of things could still happen. You might decide that you can’t stand me.”  _ You might smother me with love and I might go crazy.  _ He didn’t say it, but he’d certainly been thinking it. “I’m just— not an impulsive person. I need time to think about things before I do them, and right now I’m trying to think about myself  _ and _ my baby. Can you understand that?”

“I do understand. I’m sorry. Of course, you should take time to think about it…” Jungwoo trailed off, distracted by the sizzling of the pan on the stove, and he cursed as he dashed over to give it a stir. “Why don’t you lay down? Dinner will be another few minutes…” Taeil couldn’t argue, he was suddenly feeling shaken, but as he turned his back, Jungwoo added, “I’ll have to leave once this is done. I’m streaming tonight. You’ll have to message me and tell me if you like the recipe!”

“What? I thought the point of you cooking was that we were going to eat together?” Taeil sat on the edge of the bed, watching Jungwoo curiously. His face was hard to read, all of a sudden.

“Yeah. I forgot,” Jungwoo replied lamely, catching Taeil’s eye and flashing him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. I’ll come over tomorrow— if you want me to. Text me?”

Taeil sighed, laying down and saying nothing. Was this a fight? He and Sicheng had never really had disagreements like this— there had been nothing important enough to disagree  _ about, _ just little things like whether or not they were hanging out with Sicheng’s friends that night, little things that Taeil usually found himself folding on.  _ Maybe I should just fold and do what he wants. _ Thinking about it made his head hurt as much as his stomach.

“Hyung, dinner is ready. Do you want me to set you a plate before I go?” Jungwoo asked quietly, and Taeil remained quiet, eyes closed, trying to keep his breath deep and even as though he were asleep. “Hyung?” He heard Jungwoo’s footsteps come closer, felt the unmistakable sensation of him leaning over him. Taeil prepared himself for a kiss, but it didn’t come; when he dared to peek, Jungwoo was putting his shoes on in silence. Taeil squeezed his eyes shut again, buried his face in his pillow, and didn’t move for a very long time.

Taeil was an introvert, and normally he liked the peace and quiet of being alone in his apartment. But when he finally dragged himself out of bed to eat the lukewarm food that Jungwoo had left on the stove for him, he felt stifled by it all. As annoying as Jungwoo could be, Taeil would still pick him over anyone else, he thought glumly as he plated up some food.  _ I guess I should be happy that he works so much. I’ll probably end up begging him for money before this is all over. _ Sighing wearily, Taeil took his seat in front of the television, but there was nothing in particular that he wanted to watch, so— he’d put on Jungwoo’s stream, he thought, pathetic as it was.

It clearly hadn’t been long since Jungwoo had gone online, he hadn’t yet settled on a game to play— he looked paler in the wash of light from his monitor, making the dark circles under his eyes show more readily, and Taeil’s heart ached. “Should I play something I haven’t in awhile? Or maybe I’ll buy a new game. I have a list of games I’ve wanted to check out…” He puffed his cheeks in thought, scanning his comment section. “No, normally I don’t stream on Friday nights, but I’m expanding my streaming schedule. Every weeknight, 8 PM, and Sunday afternoons as usual! Follow me on Twitter and Instagram, and please, subscribe if you possibly can! It would really help me out!”

Jungwoo did end up buying some indie games, turning the stream into an impromptu review session. He was the only person that could rope Taeil into watching games that he’d never heard of and didn’t care about. His smile was so engaging, his voice so comforting, even when he was doing nothing but laughing at his comments.

_ “I’m surprised Jungwoo doesn’t have more female fans? He’s so cute AND funny,”  _ one comment caught Taeil’s eye about halfway through the stream, while Jungwoo was curled up in his gaming chair, arms wrapped around his legs and a juice box balanced precariously on his bent knees.  _ “21f here! Started watching for the PUBG, subscribed for the bunny teeth  _ 🥰”

If Jungwoo saw these comments, he didn’t say anything, but they  _ still _ hit Taeil with an unreasonable surge of envy. He wasn’t sure why (after all, he was the one that got to sleep in Jungwoo’s bed and steal his hoodies and receive unlimited kisses) but he didn’t  _ like  _ other people appreciating his boyfriend more than he did. He set his food aside and went to fetch his laptop to continue the job hunt, but he left the stream playing in the background, because he didn’t want to miss the end.

An hour and a half later, about fifteen minutes after Taeil began to consider turning off the TV and passing out, Jungwoo said his goodbyes and signed out for the night. (Not before dropping one more self-plug, sounding decidedly more desperate than the first: “I’ll post my new streaming schedule to all my social media, and I’d appreciate anyone who could share it. Truthfully… although I don’t talk about my personal life or my friends very much on here… I need a lot of support right now. Even if you can’t subscribe, please spread the word and remember to join me here every weeknight!”) Taeil dug his long-discarded phone out from between the couch cushions as Jungwoo finished up, and he was nearly done dialing his number when the stream ended.

_ “Hyung? Is something wrong?”  _ Jungwoo answered on the very first ring— and this was his question, after everything that had happened, he was  _ still  _ looking out for Taeil above all else. The thought made his chest go tight.

“I had to call you before I went to sleep and tell you that I’m sorry.”

_ “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. We just had a conversation. That’s what couples are supposed to do when they have different opinions, right?” _

Jungwoo sounded tired, though, nearly as tired as Taeil felt. He rubbed his eye with the heel of his hand as he curled himself up as much as possible, and he wished he had Jungwoo’s lap to curl up in. “I’ve just been— not quite myself lately,” he admitted softly. “I have heartburn, my back hurts, I’m anxious, it’s  _ fucking hot  _ in this apartment—” He had to stop to breathe, and he hated the way his breath quivered, right into the phone for Jungwoo to hear. “And I hate to admit it, but you’re right. And— sometimes I might get irritable, but the truth is, I’m so lucky that you worry about me.”

Jungwoo chuckled softly, which Taeil didn’t quite know how to interpret until he answered:  _ “It’s okay, hyung. Do you want to stay the night at my apartment? I have the AC going.” _

“Ugh. I feel like I’m too much of a mess to take the bus over there right now.”

_ “I’m getting my shoes on right now. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, if you want me.” _

A precariously worded question, but perfect at the same time. Taeil had a lot of things that he wasn’t sure about, but if there was one thing he was confident about—  _ yes, he wanted him. _

//

Taeil  _ was  _ lucky. Ten told him often, too— he’d just started dating a guy of his own, and he complained about him non-stop. “Yukhei is pansexual, but his vibes are so  _ straight.  _ The shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes—” He’d scoffed, shaking his head as he recounted  _ something  _ too terrible to say aloud. “You’re lucky. Jungwoo is cute and well-behaved. And he looks at you like the sun shines out your ass.”

Not wrong. Jungwoo was sweeter than Taeil deserved most of the time, given his misery and mood swings and lack of energy, on  _ top  _ of the fact that Taeil still couldn’t see himself putting out for him. Even still, Jungwoo went above and beyond. For example: Taeil had casually mentioned that his back hurt while he was over at Jungwoo’s apartment, and Jungwoo had all but insisted on running him a hot bath, with essential oils for relaxation. Taeil had reminded Jungwoo that he didn’t have a change of clothes, and Jungwoo had waved off, because Taeil  _ already  _ wore his clothes all the time as it was.

Then Taeil had settled into the steaming hot water and had thoughtlessly joked that baths were boring enough to put him to sleep, and so Jungwoo had settled himself faithfully on the outside of the bathroom door, keeping Taeil company while respecting his modesty. “I won’t come in unless you stop responding— then I’ll bust down the door and rescue you before you drown,” he’d joked, making Taeil laugh for perhaps the first time all day.

Afterwards, once the water had lost its warmth, Taeil dried off and slipped into the clothes that Jungwoo had left him: a big, soft, black t-shirt that covered him almost to his knees, and a pair of boxers. (Borrowing Jungwoo’s underwear had only felt weird for a  _ second.  _ Somehow, knowing that Jungwoo’s body had been in them made them all the more comfortable.) When he emerged, Jungwoo was in his bedroom, seated on the edge of the mattress and scanning over the label on a plastic jar containing some kind of salve.

“I wasn’t sure whether you’d take offense to me offering this,” Jungwoo confessed when Taeil snuggled up beside him. “I just remembered— you were complaining about how dark your stretch marks were getting, and I happened to see this at the store, so I bought it. It’s supposed to help scars and stretch marks fade. Do you want to try it?”

“I mean, it can’t hurt,” Taeil agreed without much thought, laying back on the bed and arching his back so he could more easily roll up his shirt. The astonishment in Jungwoo’s face at Taeil’s expectant gaze made him feel blush, and he quickly covered his stomach again. “I thought you’d put it on me. But I can put it on myself, it’s fine.”

“N-No! I’ll put it on you!” Jungwoo insisted, twisting open the cap and watching Taeil slowly reveal his stomach again. “I just wasn’t expecting it. Thanks for trusting me to do this, hyung…”

“Well, you  _ are _ my boyfriend,” Taeil reminded him in vague amusement, barely concealed by his deadpanned delivery. “Don’t get a boner, or I’ll never forgive you.”

“Don’t worry, if that happened I’d never forgive  _ myself.  _ I’d have to change my name and leave the country to deal with the embarrassment,” Jungwoo joked back softly, warming up some of the salve between his fingertips briefly before he started at the base of Taeil’s stomach. “Honestly, though? Stretch marks aren’t unattractive to me. They’re just a part of life. I have some on my legs from when I hit my growth spurt too hard in high school.”

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll have them. Those, and the C-section scar,” Taeil admitted softly. “At first, I was kind of worried that they’d be a constant reminder, even after my transition… but I guess having a  _ literal child  _ will also be a constant reminder that I was born with a uterus. It is what it is. Not that many people see me naked, anyway…”

“Oh, I guess I didn’t think about that aspect so much… You make me look at so many things differently now, hyung. Like, in the best way. I’m really thankful for the perspective.” Jungwoo’s fingers were so gentle as they worked, taking great care to massage the cream into Taeil’s skin, and his voice was just as soothing as always. His eyes drifted closed as he relaxed, but a minute later, he jumped slightly at the quick press of Jungwoo’s lips, right above his belly button. His first instinct was protest, but there was something so innocent about it, just a single chaste kiss. No ulterior motive, just affection.

“I’ll never understand why you’re so nice to me, Jungwoo. But still…” The words that he really wanted to say were caught in his throat, and before Taeil could figure out how to open his mouth and offer them up without  _ combusting—  _ he felt a little movement inside him that made him gasp. His stomach visibly twitched, and Jungwoo jerked back in surprise, eyes gone round.

“Is she kicking?”

“I think—” Taeil hesitated. It happened again: a sensation like a tiny  _ pop  _ inside him, followed by a little twitch. Two seconds later, it happened a third time, and he giggled. “I think they’re hiccups! If they were kicks, they’d be random, but—” Yup, there was another, just like clockwork! “This is the weirdest feeling in the world. It’s actually—  _ really cool.” _

“I didn’t know they got hiccups in the womb! That’s  _ wild.”  _ Jungwoo’s fingers ran, feather-light, over the taut skin; and a moment later, in what was genuinely one of the cutest moments Taeil could remember, his boyfriend leaned over to press his ear gently against Taeil’s belly button. “I can  _ sort of  _ hear them. I think.”

“Bullshit. She’s basically underwater, you can’t hear her.”

Jungwoo ignored this entirely, lifting his head to give Taeil a look of pure, unadulterated adoration. “It’s really just hitting me now. I keep thinking about her like she’s ‘on her way’ from somewhere, but— she’s right here, between us.” Without hesitation, he kissed Taeil’s stomach again, and this time, the notion of complaining didn’t even cross his mind. “Should I tell her anything? While I’m down here?”

Taeil laughed, muffling the sound with his hands. It was silly, but  _ yes,  _ in fact, he did have something. “Tell her to ease off my bladder. It’s getting sort of ridiculous. We  _ can’t  _ go another three months this way.”

Jungwoo snickered, but he was obedient as ever: his fingertips brushed gingerly over his stomach once more, as though he were stroking the soft, downy hair of a newborn. “Be nice to your dad, okay?” he murmured against Taeil’s skin, breath tickling every last nerve. “He’s having a hard enough time as it is, lugging your weight around!” He paused, glancing almost shyly towards Taeil’s face for half a second before he closed his eyes and whispered, “We’re so happy. We can’t wait to meet you.”

_ We can’t wait to meet you.  _ Taeil was thoroughly  _ shocked  _ by how true that was. For the first time since he’d taken off on this roller coaster journey of anxiety, Taeil found himself counting down the days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending is finally here! Hopefully this wraps things up nicely... it was supposed to be a crack fic T_T
> 
> Twitter @AO3RinAngel

_ “Aegiya! _ Are you home?”

Jungwoo was so  _ casual  _ about it— one day, Taeil was  _ hyung,  _ and the next, like magic, he was  _ baby.  _ He’d never thought he’d be the type to subscribe to pet names, and he would never admit how much he loved the sweetness of Jungwoo’s voice when he said it. “I’m always home,” Taeil called back from the couch, raising a hand up in greeting so that his boyfriend could see him from the doorway. “Come help me up. I have no energy today.”

It was the truth, Taeil didn’t leave the house much more than he needed to, and almost never without Jungwoo. He’d been fat in his second trimester, but in his third, his size had finally become a hindrance. He couldn’t move quickly, his feet always hurt, bending over was hell on his back— and of course, he couldn’t help but feel like people were staring, even when they most likely weren’t. Easier to just stay inside, then.

“If you have no energy, then stay where you are!” Jungwoo joined him on the couch instead, backpack still in hand instead of hung in its usual place by the door, and he unzipped the front pocket. “I have to show you something.”

Taeil scooted himself closer with some difficulty, wrapping his arms around Jungwoo’s waist and resting his cheek on his shoulder. “I told you, stop bringing me gifts! I don't need anything!"

"It's not something frivolous this time," Jungwoo defended himself indignantly, but he wore a smile anyway as he pulled a wad of cash and a folded-up piece of paper out of the pocket. “This is for you. The paper has a list of all the open units in my apartment building, and the cash— should be  _ almost  _ enough to pay a security deposit. There will be a bit more coming next week.”

Taeil’s mouth fell open dumbly as he took the money— he wasn’t sure what to expect, but he was inexplicably surprised to note that the bills  _ felt  _ real in his hand. “Jungwoo…”

“If you had somewhere else in mind, that’s fine, too,” Jungwoo interrupted quietly, his nerves showing in the clumsy speed with which he talked. “I just figured— it would give you your own space but would  _ also  _ let me be there in like thirty seconds if you needed me! It’s also a really safe neighborhood, and— and I see a lot of families with young kids around the complex, so in a couple years, she’ll have friends to play with!”

Taeil could still barely process the words that were coming at him. Yeah, he’d been looking for an apartment— one with a separate bedroom at the very least, that was his only standard, so that the baby would have a quiet place to nap while Taeil worked. But then he unfolded the paper, scanned over the listings for  _ two-bedroom  _ apartments, and envisioned for the first time that his baby might have her  _ own nursery.  _ And the money… he looked back to the curled-up wad of bank notes, and gathered his thoughts enough to ask for the first time: “Where did you get this money, Jungwoo?”

“It’s not a big deal!” Jungwoo offered up before anything else, which gave Taeil the uncomfortable sensation that perhaps it  _ was.  _ “I just— y’know, in my office, all those shelves of old games and consoles? The ones I barely play?”

Taeil’s chest felt suddenly tight. “The ones you  _ collect?” _

“I downsized a little,” he conceded, shrugging. “I’d been meaning to anyway, and all this did was kick my ass into productivity. And I’m selling some computer parts that I had sitting around. It’s helping me just as much as you, really. I have too much stuff!”

The money in his hands didn’t feel all that good anymore, and Taeil set it on the coffee table, along with the listings. A security deposit was a  _ lot  _ of money. Certainly enough for a crib, a changing table, a deluxe stroller with plenty of room to stow a diaper bag— all the things he’d assumed that his daughter would simply do without.

_ All the things that Sicheng should have bought for her, really. Maybe Sicheng is her biological father, but it’s Jungwoo who’s giving up the things he loves in order to provide for her. Isn’t that a father’s job? _

“Jungwoo… you don’t need to buy me an apartment. You really don’t.”

Jungwoo’s brows furrowed.  _ “Aegiya,  _ please. It would give me so much peace of mind to know that I contributed  _ something.” _

Taeil blinked, eyes feeling irritated and eventually stinging with inevitable tears. “If you insist, then I’ll take the money,” he clarified shakily. “But… spending it on a two-bedroom apartment feels wasteful when she’ll need so many other things. We could buy supplies, or even put it away in a fund to pay for her schooling later…” He hesitated, feeling embarrassed and elated and overwhelmed all at once, and hiding himself back in Jungwoo’s side to deal with it. “If the offer still stands… I’d be  _ so  _ happy to move in with you.”

“Really?” Jungwoo’s voice went high in disbelief, and Taeil smiled; he could envision the look on his face, wide-eyed and incredulous.  _ I wish it was something more than me being a reasonable boyfriend to make him feel that way. _

“Really really,” Taeil smiled softly into Jungwoo’s shoulder. “I was scared when you asked me before, but… I should have given you more faith. You really are the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.” And then he hesitated, his stomach palpitating with butterflies and his throat dry— but no, he couldn’t stop here. It had already popped into his mind, after all, and the words would plague him until he said them aloud. “Kim Jungwoo… I love you.”

Taeil had prepared himself for anxiety, which Jungwoo didn’t give him any time to feel. Almost as soon as he’d said the words, Jungwoo was squeezing him as tight as he dared and bombarding Taeil’s face with excited kisses. “I love you, too! You— you don’t even  _ know  _ how long I’ve been waiting to say it— I’m actually bummed that I let you beat me to it, but—” He was so excited that he had to pause and force himself to breathe, his forehead resting against Taeil’s, eyes dreamy and brimming with satisfaction. “You’re the first boyfriend who’s ever said that to me, you know. I feel like my heart’s about to explode.”

“No. Tell it to stop. I need you,” Taeil quipped back stubbornly, slipping his legs over Jungwoo’s lap and allowing himself to be drawn in closer for a kiss— and while their lips locked together, his mind lingered back on what Jungwoo had said just moments before. When they parted for air, he spoke up again, shyly, “You’re the first boyfriend to say it to me, too, you know.”

_ “What?  _ That’s tragic! You’re so lovable, though!” He gave Taeil one more kiss as if to demonstrate this fact, and added afterwards with a shrug, “Guess I’ll have to tell you a  _ lot.  _ I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“You’re  _ insufferable.”  _ Taeil groaned, prodding Jungwoo in the ribs to make him stop. “Quiet down or I’ll take it back!”

He wouldn’t, of course. Though he wished he could take back the one that he’d wasted on Sicheng. He didn’t quite know what to call the feeling that he’d shared with his ex, but he was sure enough that it was nothing like  _ this:  _ all-encompassing and unconditional.

//

And so Taeil began to make the most difficult moving preparations of his life. Seeing the packed boxes pile up felt like progress, though, and seeing those packed boxes disappear into the back of a moving van felt even better. He was lucky, truly, to have Johnny and Jaehyun and a handful of Johnny’s muscular work-out-friends to handle all of the lifting for him; that left him with nothing but cleaning the old apartment to worry about on that final day.

“I’ll take care of the bathroom and kitchen,” Jungwoo volunteered, snatching the mop bucket right from his hands before he could put it in the shower to fill it. “Vacuuming sounds much easier on your back.”

“I can do  _ some  _ things for myself, you know.”

“Oops, sorry! Can’t hear you!” Jungwoo called out cheekily, though he didn’t even turn on the faucet until halfway through his own sentence. Taeil rolled his eyes, but gave up as he went to plug in the vacuum cleaner— secretly thankful. Jungwoo was always thinking about little details like that, things that Taeil wouldn’t even take into account for himself.

As they finished their respective jobs, Taeil rewinding the vacuum cord and Jungwoo scrubbing the inside of the shower spotless, the younger called out to break the lull in conversation: “Things are gonna be a mess at my apartment, so I was thinking we could get takeout and relax. We’ll worry about unpacking tomorrow.”

“That’s fine with me. I want fried chicken. I feel like all I eat are things that are healthy for the baby these days— but we forget that the baby is a human being, too, and she wants  _ grease.” _

Jungwoo laughed softly, though the reaction seemed a little  _ too _ quiet for Jungwoo. Something was on his mind. Taeil stood in tentative silence and waited, but as expected, he didn’t need to wait too long for the bomb: “What if I invited my mom over? That wouldn’t, like…  _ completely  _ freak you out, would it? You’ll have to meet her at  _ some  _ point…” 

Yeah, yeah, Taeil knew. The thought had been terrorizing him ever since he’d agreed to move in with Jungwoo. That made everything official, that made them  _ family.  _ And though Taeil no longer had a family of his own to disappoint—

“I still don’t understand how you told her about us. You weren’t scared of what she’d say?”

“I told you that my mom is a nurse, didn’t I? She used to work for a midwife. She’s not exactly  _ ignorant  _ to the possibilities,” Jungwoo pointed out (which Taeil  _ had _ actually forgotten about, to be fair). “I told her the truth. That I’m dating you, and that I’ve liked you for ages— though she already knew that, I’ve talked about you before—” Jungwoo stopped scrubbing for a moment, flashing Taeil a smile before he went on, “I told her about how good you are to me, and how you always make me laugh without even meaning to, and how you have the  _ cutest  _ dimples when you smile—”

_ “Stop it.” _

“And then I told her that you were expecting, and she asked if I was the dad, and I told her no, but that she  _ would  _ be welcome to act as an honorary stand-in grandmother, because I figured you wouldn’t mind. And she asked when you were due, and I told her, and she demanded to know why in the  _ world  _ I waited so long to say anything.”

Taeil chuckled. He could almost hear that, really. He’d heard Jungwoo’s mother’s voice over the phone a time or two, and that fact made him feel a little better about accepting. “I guess that would be okay,” he conceded at last, taking the mop against Jungwoo’s wishes to start work on the kitchen tile. “I’m not great with small talk, so don’t expect too much from me.”

“That’s okay. My mom’s like me,” Jungwoo called back confidently. “She can talk a  _ lot.  _ Especially about babies.”

Taeil wasn’t sure if that made him more or less anxious— though it was only natural for the  _ honorary grandmother  _ to take an interest, he supposed. “You know,” he added thoughtfully, “Your mom will be the only grandparent my daughter knows.” How did he feel about that? He truly couldn’t say. Sometimes, even just for moments at a time, he would find himself imagining standing in front of his own parents with his daughter in his arms— pleading with them to acknowledge her, even if they couldn’t acknowledge him, too.

“My mom will love her with four grandparents’ worth of love. I guarantee it.” In this, too, Jungwoo seemed strangely  _ certain,  _ and when Taeil looked up from his feet, he found that Jungwoo had straightened up to watch him. Their eyes met for half a second, and then they both blushed and turned their heads away before bursting into simultaneous laughter— feeling oddly, to Taeil, like two people noticing each other and falling in love for the first time.

//

“Moon Taeil?” For the first time, the nurse who called Taeil’s name was one that he recognized, and there was no moment of confusion on her face when she met his eyes. It had taken eight months to get to that point, but it was better late than never, he supposed.

The waiting room was packed that day. Three expectant mothers had taken up occupancy on the other couches and chairs, and all three of them looked his way with thinly veiled curiosity when his name was called. He couldn’t blame them. Hell, he did double takes at his own reflection all the time. Jungwoo was the only one who didn’t seem fazed or uncomfortable as he got to his feet to help Taeil stand— and when Taeil couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes, Jungwoo seemed to understand.

“You’re up nearly 13 kg from your pre-pregnancy weight,” the nurse noted aloud as the scale bars fell into balance— and when Taeil felt his face blanch white, she must have noticed, because she added helpfully, “That’s perfectly within normal range. Actually, it’s common for mothers-to-be to lose a bit of weight during the ninth month, too!”

“Told you it was normal,” Jungwoo piped up triumphantly— and rather than irritating him, as it might have on a bad day, the subtle teasing put him a little more at ease.

“It’s hard not to worry when you’re carrying around this much  _ extra.” _

“But it’s not actually that  _ much,  _ it just looks that way because you’re tiny!” As if to emphasize his point, Jungwoo offered his hand to help Taeil up onto the examination table, and neither of them missed the nurse’s barely-suppressed smile as she prepared the blood pressure cuff.

“It’s good to hear high spirits at this point in the pregnancy,” she explained simply. “Hopefully you can maintain it during the first couple months of having a newborn— in my experience, having a good attitude and being able to smile even when you’re tired makes everything a little easier. You have a great friend sticking by you!”

The reminder of how blatantly he’d “friend-zoned” Jungwoo at nearly every other check-up made him cringe inwardly while the nurse noted his blood pressure and heart rate. Jungwoo was still one of his best friends, but more than that,  _ more than that—  _ He glanced at his lover, who looked so strikingly handsome to Taeil despite the early hour and the late night he’d pulled the night before. They’d be fine once the baby came. Taeil had a good feeling.

“I’m lucky,” Taeil agreed quietly, taking Jungwoo’s hand in his own. “And so is our daughter.”

The nurse pinkened slightly, though to her credit, she didn’t lose her smile as she looked from Jungwoo to Taeil. “My apologies— for some reason, I was thinking that the two of you were just friends, but perhaps I’d mixed you up with another patient.”

Jungwoo looked flustered, too, which was a rarity. He was looking at Taeil with wide, inquiring eyes, as though he weren’t sure how to answer, and after half a beat of silence, Taeil confirmed: “Jungwoo is her father. The best one I could have asked for, too.”

Jungwoo said nothing, only quietly beamed— and a couple seconds later, when the nurse started prepping Taeil’s arm for another blood sample, he suddenly faked a phone call and excused himself to step out of the office for a few minutes. Taeil had a feeling that it was more than just his fear of blood this time, and though he didn’t ask, the tears clinging to his eyelashes when he returned said it all. He was quiet but attentive during the ultrasound; the baby was growing quickly, and according to the ultrasound tech, was head-down and set for delivery “whenever it happened” (a notion which terrified him— his due date was barely two months away,  _ two months!).  _

On the way back to the car, Jungwoo kept a protective arm at Taeil’s waist, which he thought was unnecessary but didn’t shrug off, and when they got insided he took a moment to check the time on his phone. “All right— we need to make one more stop before we go home. At the bakery.” Jungwoo grinned sheepishly, bordering on a grimace. “I  _ know  _ you hate parties, but I  _ might  _ have ordered a cake for a  _ small  _ baby shower. Just Ten, Johnny, Taeyong, and my mom. I told them you might be a little tired, so if you don’t feel like socializing, we’ll eat the cake, do the gift exchange, and take the party to Ten’s place so you can rest.”

_ “Aish…  _ you and your  _ socializing.” _ Taeil exaggerated his eye roll and gave Jungwoo a light-hearted punch in the arm, but conceded anyway: “They can stay. Thanks for giving me the warning. I don’t mind things like this, as long as I have some time to prepare.” Jungwoo started the car, and Taeil placed his hand absently over his belly, as if to reassure the baby that suddenly shifted inside him. “You’re good at this stuff,” Taeil remarked after a moment. “Once she’s born, you can be in charge of birthday parties,  _ Dad.” _

“That sounds like the simplest thing to be in charge of, considering birthday parties only happen once a year. It’s a deal!” Jungwoo chuckled softly, wriggling his hand into Taeil’s once they were safely pulled out of the parking lot. “You wanna hear the craziest thing? When you said that, there in the office… it really sank in.”

“Yeah. And you cried. Cutie.” Taeil looked out the window to hide his embarrassment at his casual use of the word. He was starting to sound like Jungwoo.

“Yeah. I felt…  _ almost  _ overwhelmed. I hope I can do a good job. Between the two of us, we have a good shot, right?”

Taeil laughed nervously. “That’s the hope… honestly, don’t feel too unprepared. When we found out she’s a girl, I had a moment of fear for her future, but then on the way home, I was relieved because changing a diaper with a penis inside sounds complicated. It’s a weird sequence of thoughts, isn’t it?”

Jungwoo grinned, and only admitted, with a sheepish air that only made Taeil all the more smitten with him: “I watched a YouTube video tutorial on how to hold a baby.”

_ “God.  _ Do you think she’s going to come out with some intrinsic sense of dread, knowing that her parents only have one brain cell to share between the two of them?”

“It’s a brain cell that’s full of love!” Jungwoo grip tightened, his squeeze reassuring. “But she’s going to have two dads and a grandmother and a handful of weird uncles that all adore her! Oh— and Ten insists that he’s going to be the godfather. I told him he’d have to take that one up with you.”

Taeil found himself hiding his smile behind his hand. Jungwoo, like usual, was right— and for the first time, Taeil found himself looking back in disbelief at the first few months of his pregnancy, when he’d foolishly thought that he might do this all by himself. Really, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

//

The doctor had told Taeil that he could expect less movement going forward, as the baby grew too cramped for the same vigorous squirms and kicks as before. (“Too cramped? In  _ there?” _ Jungwoo had repeated incredulously, staring at Taeil’s massive stomach with what seemed to be a newfound appreciation for the weight he was carrying.  _ Damn straight.  _ Taeil spent most of his days feeling like a poorly-proportioned cartoon character, the least Jungwoo could do was recognize his struggle.)

And so the movement was less, but she still settled awkwardly inside Taeil’s body sometimes, seeming to lay against his bladder or push up against the bottoms of his lungs. And that night in particular, it was pain in his back and legs that had woken him up at some hour past midnight. The doctor had assured him that the cause was most likely the baby shifting her weight occasionally onto a nerve, which wasn’t dangerous or serious, but it sure was a nuisance.

“Ah, really…” Taeil breathed into the silence, shifting uncomfortably in bed. He’d fallen asleep on his left side, cuddled up to Jungwoo’s back, his cheek resting flush against his shoulder, and he struggled to slip away without shaking the mattress. Luckily, his boyfriend had streamed late that night, and he really did sleep like the dead when he was tired.

Taeil made his way out to the living room, closing the bedroom door gingerly behind him, and turning the lights on dimly, he walked back and forth across the floor a few times to try and jostle everything back into place. No change— he sighed, bracing himself on the back of the couch for an unsatisfying stretch.

“I know you don’t realize what you’re doing— but I hope one day you appreciate just how much struggle I went through for you,” Taeil whispered into the still air, only feeling  _ slightly  _ stupid for addressing the baby directly. Jungwoo did it all the time these days, insisting that he’d read some study about babies starting to recognize their parents’ voices in utero. Certainly she couldn’t understand them, but Taeil still liked the idea. “I’d trade back pain for hours of crying any day, you know. And being able to sleep on my stomach again.”

The sound of the bedroom door creaking open made him start, and Taeil clammed up as he turned his head to look behind him. Jungwoo was still half-asleep, eyes puffy and too-long hair held back with a crooked headband. “What are you doing up,  _ aegiya?  _ Nothing’s wrong, is it?” Jungwoo seemed eternally paranoid that Taeil might go into early labor, and the notion made him snort. Nope, she was taking her sweet time.

“I’m fine, love. Go back to sleep. My back just hurts— I’m trying to stretch it out, and then I’ll come back.”

“Your back hurts? Why didn’t you wake me up?” Jungwoo muffled a noisy yawn as he emerged to sit on the couch. “C’mere. Lay down. I’ll massage it.”

“Jungwoo, no. You look exhausted,” Taeil protested quietly, biting his bottom lip.

“So? Soon we’ll  _ both  _ be exhausted, all the time, and we’ll just put up with it because that’s what parents do,” Jungwoo pointed out with that endearingly lopsided smile of his. “Think of this as practice.” He patted his thigh in invitation, adjusting one of the couch pillows beside him, and Taeil sighed, with no choice but to acquiesce. With as much grace as he could manage (not much when he felt like he had a bowling ball strapped to his waist) he lay himself across Jungwoo’s lap, on his side with his head on the pillow. Jungwoo’s fingertips slid down Taeil’s spine gently, probing for the spot at the base of his spine that he’d already had to massage a few times before. It always took a few minutes for relief to come, but when it did— he stretched his back again and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt his spine pop back into alignment.

“Better?”

_ “So  _ much better,” Taeil assured him, though he pressed back into Jungwoo’s fingertips, a silent urge to continue. Normally he didn’t like to be touched excessively, but there was something about the  _ way  _ Jungwoo touched him that was such a comfort.

_ “Aegiya…”  _ Jungwoo cooed after a few minutes of silence, brushing a stray hair behind Taeil’s ear with his free hand and not letting up the massage for even a moment. “How do you look so cute when you’ve just woken up? It’s crazy.”

_ “Ugh,  _ stop.”

“It’s the truth!” Taeil couldn’t see him, but he could  _ hear _ the smile in Jungwoo’s voice. It made him want to scoff and cringe and tell him to shut up, but at the same time— being  _ adored  _ was something he’d quietly, privately longed for for  _ ages.  _ With some difficulty (and with Jungwoo’s arm lifting behind his shoulders), he sat up and cuddled himself into Jungwoo’s shoulder for a kiss.

“I love you. And I know I act like a shithead sometimes, because— I’m not used to relationships like this, I’m not used to swallowing my pride and depending on other people. But… no matter what I say, no matter what stupid fights we have, no matter how stressful this becomes, I hope you know that I really do love you.”

Jungwoo squealed then,  _ really squealed,  _ and kissed Taeil with a ferocity that would have knocked him backwards if their arms hadn’t been around each other so tightly. It felt crazy and it felt  _ exhilarating,  _ and Taeil kissed him back just as passionately, until the baby kicked Jungwoo squarely in the stomach and made them both fall apart into laughter.

//

Taeil had moved in with Jungwoo under the condition that they would maintain a healthy distance in their relationship. Taeil was introverted, he valued his alone time, and he knew that that would be in limited quantity once he was a father; Jungwoo liked to be around people,  _ loved  _ to talk, but at least he recognized that his brand of affection could be overwhelming for someone like Taeil. He’d made a lot of sacrifices in accommodating Taeil, but they both knew that things would be even  _ more  _ restricted in another month, and Taeil couldn’t shake the fear that the stress of being stuck to each other might do them in.

And so when Jungwoo had tried to turn down an invitation to party with his friend Yangyang on his birthday, Taeil had  _ vetoed  _ his rejection and all but insisted that he go. “I’ll be okay by myself for one night! Go have fun while you’re still allowed to!” He chuckled dryly at his own joke, leaning up for a kiss.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? You don’t need to drink!” Jungwoo pouted, clearly torn.

“Am I sure I don’t want to go to a  _ club  _ at nine months pregnant? Yeah, I’m  _ pretty  _ sure.” He reached up to pinch Jungwoo’s squishy cheeks— something of a guilty pleasure— and added, “Seriously, you don’t need to feel bad. I’m going to stay here and watch anime and eat takeout. That’s  _ way  _ more fun to me than going to a noisy club and watching you get wasted.”

“You won’t be lonely?” Jungwoo asked, as though the idea of spending a Saturday night alone was some form of torture.  _ So pure.  _ God, he loved him.

“Absolutely not. How about this— if I get truly,  _ insufferably  _ lonely, I’ll call you up and make you come home,” Taeil promised, smiling. “But until then, I want you to go have fun. Okay, bunny?” (He’d always sworn that he’d never be a pet-names person, but Jungwoo had changed all that, and seeing the warmth in his cheeks every time he heard it was his own reward.)

Most of the night went just as planned. Taeil got caught up on the shows he was watching and ate approximately his weight in Thai food. He took a long bubble bath while he called Ten on the phone and listened to him bitch about how stupid his boyfriend was. Then he put on Jungwoo’s biggest, softest hoodie and his extra-thick, extra-warm socks, nested himself in their bed, and set to work crocheting and un-crocheting the same line of stitches in his baby blanket, swearing all the while— the apparently relaxing new hobby he’d picked up to pass the time stuck inside.

And perhaps the Taeil of six months ago would have relished this time spent alone, but suddenly he found it too  _ quiet.  _ All evening long, he’d found himself thinking about things he wanted to tell Jungwoo. TV wasn’t as fun without his commentary, music wasn’t as engaging without Jungwoo to sing along with the radio together, and their bed wasn’t as cozy without a second warm body to huddle beneath the blankets with him.

_ I wonder when he’ll be back. Should I even bother waiting up for him? Maybe I should just go to sleep and see him in the morning.  _ Even  _ that  _ thought suddenly felt daunting; the closer they got to Taeil’s due date, the more that insomnia plagued him.  _ I’m not going to call him. Maybe I’ll call Ten back. I wonder if he’s still up. _ He’d text him, he conceded, tossing his blanket aside and digging his phone out from the sheets.

_ “This is going to sound fucking stupid, but I sent Jungwoo out clubbing with his friends and I said it was fine but now I really miss him  _ 😢  _ Tell me I’m being awful and that I need to go to sleep, please.” _

Taeil hadn’t even hit “send” yet before his screen suddenly lit up with an incoming call, and the name that plastered itself across his screen made him grin. Quickly, he hit “answer”.

“Hi, love! Are you having fun?”

_ “Aegiyaaaaa. I’m drunk.” _

_ (“Don’t worry, I’ve got him,”  _ Jaehyun interjected from somewhere in the background. Taeil appreciated it.)

_ “We came outside ‘cuz I wanted to call you quick before you fell asleep. Is everything okay?” _

Taeil settled down into the pillows, keeping the phone tight against his ear. He would have rather had his boyfriend home in bed, kissing him or rubbing his back or murmuring to the baby, but— no, for Jungwoo’s sake, he could make it one night. “Everything’s fine! You made the right choice in going out, I’m  _ super  _ boring tonight. I’m getting sleepy.”

_ “You’re never boring. I wish you were here. It would make everything so much more fun.” _

It was funny, because when Taeil thought about it— maybe he  _ was  _ a bit sad that he wasn’t there. Maybe drinking and dancing would be fun with Jungwoo. At the very least, he could endure it for a few hours. He made a mental note. Once the baby was old enough for an overnight sitter, maybe he’d give it a try.

“I miss you, bunny. It’s okay, though— you’re coming home tonight, aren’t you? I’ll make you breakfast in the morning and you can tell me all about it.”

_ “Mm-hm. Jaehyunnie is gonna take me home in an hour or so. I’ll crash on the couch so I don’t wake you up.” _

“No, don’t do that. Come cuddle. I’ll wait up, if I can.” Hearing Jungwoo’s voice had him so relaxed that his eyelids were beginning to feel heavy, but he pressed forward: “I love you. Have fun. Behave yourself for Jaehyun.”

_ “Yes, sir!”  _ Jungwoo giggled, and Taeil rolled his eyes. He’d call his boyfriend a fool, but really, what would that make  _ him?  _ After their goodbyes, he felt emotionally lighter; grabbing his crocheting for one last attempt, he scrolled through the music on his phone, for the playlist they’d made together of all the songs they both loved. And in Jungwoo’s absence, he sang for the kicking little bundle inside of him that was growing bigger by the day.

//

As promised, Jungwoo had dedicated an entire day to emptying out his office when Taeil moved in. His computer went in the bedroom, his gaming setup went in the living room, and the empty little room soon became home to a crib, changing table, wardrobe, and rocking chair. The walls were a pale blue, and Taeil wasn’t about to paint the room pink just because custom dictated it— so he got a set of lovely, royal purple blackout curtains, and Jungwoo decorated the walls and ceilings with glow-in-the-dark star decals. It was cute and cozy, and they were both satisfied.

Sometimes, when Jungwoo was entertaining guests in the living room or streaming in the bedroom, Taeil would go into the nursery by himself, for no reason other than comfort. Sometimes he would settle in the rocking chair by the window and read, or he’d listen to music and zone out with his eyes closed. Other times, he felt like he was brimming with energy, and he’d open the wardrobe and reorganize clothes, refold blankets, double-check that they’d bought diapers and wipes and formula and talcum powder and baby lotion.

Sometimes he worried that he’d give himself an anxiety attack. Occasionally he embarrassed himself by crying. But for the most part, more and more, he found himself feeling restless and  _ ready. _ For the first time in nine months, he felt something like confidence.

The night before Taeil’s due date was one of those ready-times, and he was sitting in the chair by the window, drinking some kind of bitter, prenatal herbal tea and tying up the loose ends of the blanket that he’d painstakingly finished at last. (Taeil never gave up, even on trivial things like an ugly, lopsided blanket. It was far from perfect, but he’d  _ made  _ it— that felt symbolic.) He didn’t feel much different physically, and he had a feeling that his daughter would actually be born sometime in November instead, but he wished he had a crystal ball to pinpoint exactly  _ when,  _ just to kill the suspense of it. Taeil still hated surprises.

_ “Aegiya!”  _ The familiar call from the living room cut through the silence— followed by Ten and Taeyong’s voices echoing Jungwoo in crude mimicry. Taeil rolled his eyes, fighting back a smile.

“You’re just in time to witness a momentous occasion! Come hold up this blanket so I can see how badly I fucked it up!”

Ten popped through the door, beaming as he took the yellow-and-purple monstrosity from Taeil’s hands— but before he could make a flippant comment, Jungwoo and Taeyong were pushing into the room, each with an armload of boxes.

“What— what is this?” Taeil blinked, looking to his boyfriend in surprise. “Jungwoo?”

Jungwoo giggled, looking positively elated as he carefully stacked his armful of parcels in front of Taeil: “Remember how I made the announcement a few weeks ago on my stream?”

Taeil certainly did. Jungwoo had consulted him on how he should let his followers know about his impending absence when the baby came, and with Taeil’s blessing, he was just one degree away from honest:  _ “My girlfriend and I are expecting our first child very soon! It’s going to take me some time to learn how to work around such a big change in my life— but my family has to come first, and of course, that’s going to mean taking more time for them while our daughter is young. I hope all of my subscribers, younger and older, can understand and cheer us on!”  _ Of course, it was strange to acknowledge the lie,  _ my girlfriend,  _ but it would protect Jungwoo’s career  _ and  _ help to save Taeil’s anonymity. Jungwoo had some crazy fans, after all, and the last thing Taeil wanted was for anyone to be tempted to  _ dig. _

“Well— a bunch of my subscribers really took it to heart, and they pitched in to buy a bunch of presents for the baby! Taeyong coordinated it and packaged everything up, so we really owe thanks to him— but I have to go on stream for at least a little while tonight so I can sincerely thank everyone.” He placed one of the smaller boxes in Taeil’s bewildered, trembling hands, giving him an encouraging smile. “If we weren’t ready before, we definitely are now. You should open them up and see what there is!”

Taeil felt a little overwhelmed suddenly, looking at it all, but in the best way. It had been easy to feel like the sorriest person in the world at the beginning, parentless and boyfriendless and broke, but he had to acknowledge how truly lucky he’d ended up, and not just because of Jungwoo’s income. Without a single blood relation around him, he’d somehow found himself in a  _ fantastic  _ family, with no doubt that the love he got from all sides was genuine.

Ten and Taeyong stuck around to help them sort and put away everything: there were extra blankets, bottles, and pacifiers, toys that she might grow into in a few months’ time. There was a baby sling and a car seat. And then, of course, there was a selection of clothes that put what they’d bought to shame, onesies and mittens and hats and tiny,  _ tiny  _ socks. There was a precious little winter coat, lined with faux fur, and a few pairs of dainty shoes that made Taeil laugh. What need did a newborn have for  _ sneakers?  _ No matter, their daughter would have them. She really  _ would  _ be lucky.

“I haven’t heard any talk about names,” Ten brought up suddenly, as he worked on stocking baby-toiletries beneath the changing table. “Have the two of you decided on one yet? Or are you just going to roll the dice and see what kind of vibes she gives you when you meet her?”

“I think it should be something cute! I like either Areum or Sarang,” Jungwoo piped up. “Taeil was thinking Jiho.”

“Her name  _ will _ be Jiho,” Taeil interrupted with finality, reaching for Jungwoo and wiggling his fingers to signal that he needed help standing up. “With the hanja for ‘blessings’ and ‘fondness’.” It was simple, it was pretty, and perhaps most importantly, it was unisex— which seemed silly, but he hoped it would lessen the chances of her shuddering to tell people her legal name, no matter who she grew up to be.

“I guess we’ve settled on Jiho,” Jungwoo amended, smiling despite himself as he helped him stand. “Honestly, a name seems trivial, though. I’m more worried about everything that comes  _ after  _ that. I’ve started listening to parenting audiobooks while I play video games.”

Taeil fought not to smile too much and break character. Teasing his boyfriend in front of their friends had become one of his greatest pleasures. “Can confirm. Not sure how much of them he retains while he’s swearing at Crash Bandicoot, but I’m willing to accept the effort.”

“I think you’ll do just fine,” Taeyong reassured brightly, hanging the last of the dresses and coats in the small wardrobe. “Your personalities really compliment each other well!” He glanced Ten’s way suddenly: “Ten, which parent would you rather be in trouble with? Taeil or Jungwoo?”

Ten grinned wickedly, like it was the question he’d been waiting for: “Doesn’t matter, they’re both soft. I have a feeling that this little girl is going to have both of her parents wrapped around her fingers from a  _ very  _ early age,” he predicted with a laugh. “Taeil cries when he’s angry. Jungwoo, how’s your temper?”

“I cry.”

“Yeah, this kid’s in for an easy life. I’m calling it now.”

Taeil smiled to himself, neither confirming nor denying. Yeah, she’d probably be a little spoiled, if a father like Jungwoo was anything to judge by— but the world outside would be hard enough, there would be time enough for her to struggle. While she was with them, of course he wanted to give his daughter the easiest life she could. Who wouldn’t?

Jungwoo, as expected, only laughed.

//

_ “Aegiya,  _ will you  _ please  _ sit down and relax?”

“I’m just doing dishes,” Taeil answered evenly, looking up from the soapy water. “Jungwoo, I  _ know  _ you’re a worrier, but let me reassure you right now. I’m in  _ early labor.  _ I still have  _ ten minutes  _ between contractions. When they start getting closer together, I’ll let you know, we’ll grab the hospital bag by the door, and we’ll be to the hospital in fifteen minutes or less.”

The truth was, Taeil was worrying, too. Not that anything seemed wrong, but waking up early that morning with uncomfortable contractions had really shaken him. Sitting around and waiting until it was time to leave was simply out of the question; his mind was racing too much to focus on anything but pure, monotonous, thoughtless labor. Tidying the kitchen was making him feel better, not worse.

“Okay, okay…” Jungwoo sighed, placing a hand on Taeil’s shoulder and turning him for a kiss on the forehead. “I called my mom. She’s going to stay with us for the first few nights after we come home, just in case.”

“All right. Tell her that I thanked her,” Taeil added, smiling. “Can you text Taeyong and Ten for me when we get to the hospital, and keep them updated? I promised them they’d be the first to know once Jiho and I can have visitors.” Draining the water from the sink, he removed his dish gloves at long last and turned his full attention to Jungwoo, hugging him tight around the waist.

“Of course, my love.”

“I’m wondering if I have time to do a load of laundry before—” Taeil was cut off by a quiet hiss through his teeth as another contraction came, his fingers curling into Jungwoo’s shirt, but he forced his voice to stay steady as he continued, “Before we go. The more we can get done before she’s here—”

_ “Aegiya,  _ if you need a distraction, why don’t we pick something else? Do you want to play games together? Mario Kart?” (Taeil still maintained that he didn’t give a shit about video games, but Mario Kart was a different story— and he was getting  _ good  _ at it.) “And that way we can watch the time on your contractions. Because I’m actually really concerned that you’re putting up a front to keep me from worrying.”

“Since when do I do that?” Taeil huffed, and when the pain passed, he pulled Jungwoo down into a kiss to make him feel better. “Fine, for your sake, we’ll play a couple rounds. But it’s to distract you, not me. Because I’m fine! I’ll prove it when I kick your ass!”

Jungwoo’s eyes sparkled, equal parts admiration and anxiety. It made Taeil want to kiss him again, and so he did, letting his lips linger while his fingers threaded through the back of Jungwoo’s soft hair. It was Jungwoo who pulled back, cupping Taeil’s face and rubbing their noses sweetly together.

“I love you.”

Nope, never got old. Taeil smiled. “I love you, too.”

Jungwoo wrapped an arm carefully around Taeil’s waist as they walked back to the living room. They only made it halfway across the floor to the couch before Taeil stopped, nearly tripping Jungwoo with the abruptness.

“Uh— change of plans. I think my water just broke.”

“You  _ think?” _ It would have been funny if the moment had been anything else— the way Jungwoo sprung into action, hurrying to grab the bag of essentials that was hanging by the door for this very day. “Come here,  _ aegiya.  _ I’ll help you with your shoes.” He was already bent over, loosening their laces, his hands shaking. Taeil had to laugh, slipping his feet instead into the pair of Crocs that were just nearby.

“I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Was he really? He supposed this was when they’d find out.  _ Fingers crossed. _


End file.
